Waiting for More News

Didn't mean to leave you all hanging like that. At this point, I don't have much new information. I had my appointment with the midwife, who said the major concern is Down's Syndrome because if it were something like Trisomy 18, we'd likely be seeing major structural abnormalities "incompatible with life." I'm not sure it was the most reassuring meeting, as I would have liked to hear her say unprompted: "Don't worry, we see this ALL the time and it's almost always nothing." But I didn't really get that, although she did say that sometimes they see these things and it turns out okay.

On Monday I will go to see the medical genetics counsellor and hopefully that person can give me a bit more insight into what this all means. I am still awaiting the results of my quad screen, so I'm not sure I'll have them in time for that appointment, which is unfortunate. But I'll be able to talk about possibilities, and depending on how the quad screen comes back and what the counsellor says, I will make a decision about amniocentesis, which is the only way to have a definitive answer about all of this.

I've also been talking to people in real life and on message boards and have gathered lots stories in which ultrasounds were wrong. I spent an evening poring over medical journals. There was a big meta-analysis of studies on "soft" Down's markers done in the Journal of the American Medical Association which states that they're really not a very good indicator in isolation. However, most of the studies make statements about it being a better indicator when there is more than one. On the bright side, it appears that the two markers we have are among the least worrisome, at least in isolation.

Emotionally, this week has been really, really tough. Looking back, it's been a fairly crappy year I've had- my aunt's death from breast cancer, my uncle dying in his apartment, dealing with all the family drama around my aunt's estate, D trying to find a new job in this recessionary economy, me waiting to hear back about being hired on at the firm. Still, this week has by far been the most stressful, tearful, sleepless one I've had. At times, I've convinced myself the child definitely has Down's. I stare at her ultrasound picture and try to see if she does. For several days I winced when she kicked or punched me, because it was a reminder of what was going on; I've been trying to block it out by working and sleeping lots. At times, I've wished this whole pregnancy away.

It's not that I have any doubts about my ability to love a child with Down syndrome. I volunteered with special needs kindergarten for a year, and I absolutely loved every minute of it. I know I would and could. It's the adult I worry about - the one who will be dependent on me for life, financially and emotionally. And the health concerns and costs. And dealing with a female child with an intellectual disability, who will vulnerable to being taken advantage of, terrifies me. It's funny, if something happened to LM and he was dependent on me, I'm prepared to be 100%, 200% there. But I don't even know this baby yet, and rightly or wrongly, I feel like this is not what I signed up for. Of course, neither did she.

But as the week has gone on, I am feeling more positive. I've actually FINALLY hit the part of my pregnancy where I don't feel sick and tired constantly. And I'm trying to put negative thoughts out of my head and send her positive ones when I feel her little punches and rolls. I try to repeat the mantra that my baby is happy and healthy and growing exactly as she should. And if she does have a disability, Down's or other, well I guess we will deal with it. But I'm not embarrassed to admit that I really, really, REALLY hope she doesn't.

Another, Less Fun, Ultrasound Update

So the hospital sent over the ultrasound report today, and I got a phone call. Not good.

Apparently, there are "multiple aneuploidy markers" including "fetal pyelectasis" and an "echogenic focus on the fetal heart." Which translates to, soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities, including kidney enlargement and some sort of spot on the heart. I am really trying not to freak out. If it was just the kidneys, or just the heart, I think I'd be fine with everything, but the fact that it's both is a little worrying and now I am waiting for the referral to a medical genetics counsellor.

I am kind of surprised nothing was said at the actual ultrasound - I assumed they would. Now I feel like a dolt for making a huge announcement to my family about having a girl. I mean, I still am having a girl, but well, you know. I might have saved that news for a couple of weeks from now when I have some additional reassurance (I hope.)

I didn't do the genetic blood testing for this very reason - did not want to worry myself over something I have no control over. A 13-week nuchal ultrasound is not offered here to women under 40, so that was not an option. But now I have a requisition to go do some bloodwork tomorrow, which I am sort of torn about. Will it change anything? Basically, would it help me worry less? If result come back abnormal, would we do an amnio? I'm not sure we would at this point anyway. But I'm hoping it will be reassuring.

On the other hand, if there are abnormalities, that may change my care, and my plans for a home birth, so I guess more information is always better.

D was awesome. He called me and said "Our little girl is still our little girl. We won't love her any less." Which puts things in perspective. I needed to hear that. I do genuinely believe in a right to choose, and if I found out my child has Trisomy-18 or something that is always fatal, I would definitely consider termination. I'm not sure that's the route I'd go, but I'd talk it over. But unless I were 100% certain it was something like that, I don't think I'd do anything that would put a potentially healthy, or partly healthy baby at risk. Anyway I'm not going to think about that now as that is about 50 million miles away from where we are now. Trying to think positive and not about highly unlikely scenarios. It still could very possibly mean nothing at all, and I'm trying to focus my energy on that thought.

I am so weak

First of all, let me say I am very, very weak. I caved at the ultrasound appointment. Normally our hospital won't even tell you the sex, and definitely not before 20 weeks. But then the tech asked if we want to know. And we weren't 20 weeks along, but she said since we were 19 weeks, 6 days, it was fine, she'd tell us. And then we never saw anything during the measurements, so we assumed it was a bust, but she offered to spend an extra few minutes looking at the end of the appointment.

And after much hand-wringing and coin-tossing, we said "Oh fine. Tell us!!" (Well, I said it. D was much, much stronger. And as a condition, he made me promise not to tell a soul, well, except for the secret blog.)

And so...
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bring on the Suri Cruise high heels and the PRINCESS GEAR!!! She's a SHE!

We were both there in a bit of shock, and we slightly regretted finding out, because the surprise would have been so amazing. And also, because it makes watching LM so much more poignant. I may never have another 2-year old delicious little boy. And it's a bit of a shift in identity, because I sort of see myself as a mother of a boy and I really like that identity. But I've got a grin a mile wide. A girl!!!! How delightful and wonderful and new. And it makes me even more nervous about about everything turning out okay. She seems like a real person now.

Oh, and I'm just kidding about the princess gear and the Suri Cruise heels. My daughter won't wear heels until she's at LEAST four. Wink. Wink.

Now, to think of a name.

Bad Dreams and Good Dreams

Had a terrible nightmare this morning that I was bleeding and bleeding. There were all these people at my house and I kept yelling at them to leave, and I couldn't find the midwife's number anywhere and D was ignoring me. Then I realised it was just a dream and I woke up. Only I was still dreaming, and in the second dream I was still bleeding and increasingly frantic at D. There were more people at the house and they just wouldn't leave. I finally found the midwife's number, but couldn't make it out. Then I woke up for real and immediately ran to the bathroom where everything was fine.

I had another, more pleasant dream a week or so ago in which the baby was a boy. When I woke up I immediately knew his name, and have secretly been calling it that ever since.

The little beetle started kicking on Christmas Day. I'm pretty sure I felt it before then, but I was not 100% sure. It's funny, last time I felt it earlier despite an anterior placenta. But this time it came later, even though I suspect my placenta is in it's normal spot. (My belly was ALWAYS lopsided on one side last time, no matter how baby was positioned, and I'm convinced that was the placenta.) Anyway since then kicky monster has been giving me lots of little nudges, which I adore.

You know what annoys me? How many people assume I would prefer if it were a girl. I told my father-in-law that I thought it was a boy and he said something like "But I'm sure you'd be happier if it wasn't." Huh?

With my first pregnancy I was convinced LM was a girl, and I was a little surprised to see all those boy bits. But I never regretted his boyness or wished he was a girl. Frankly, at a toddler age, there may be some differences between boys and girls, but also a lot of variability in personality. Aside from the fact that no one gives me pink clothing, I don't think it makes a huge difference right now. There are girls at LM's daycare far more rambunctious than he is. And while he adores trucks/trains and transportation, so do many girls I know. Obviously this difference will enhance as he gets older, and there are no doubt advantages and disadvantages on either side. But I have two brothers, D is one of three boys, my father was one of four boys. I'm very comfortable with boys and quite thrilled to have another one, or two.

On a pregnancy message board I'm on, so many of the women talk about hoping for a girl. And they always have such dumb reasons, like "the clothes for girls are so much cuter." Frankly, I'm quite happy to bypass the Suri Cruise high heels and the princess gear. And while boys clothes can be annoying (think exploding snowboarders or race cars splashed across everything) there's plenty of cute stuff too. Not that shopping selection is a reason to wish for either gender - I'm not even sure why I'm talking about clothes, except that the gendered nature of baby clothes is a pet peeve of mine.

All this to say - I love my little guy and am fairly convinced I'm having another. That said, I'm not placing too much stock in my hunch given how wrong I was last time. After my bleeding dream, I'm just hoping that on my big ultrasound next week I see a nice, active, healthy little baby. And we won't be asking about the sex.

Happy New Year

Cross your fingers that the worst is behind me - the two-week long headache I've had has finally subsided. I'm not perpetually exhausted - only marginally so. And I think given another couple of weeks I may graduate from slightly paunchy to cutely pregnant. Of course that means many of my pants (god - even my pajamas!) are getting a little tight as I tend to stockpile my extra pounds in my thighs and back - but it's all good!

This pregnancy has been extremely similar to my first; I also remember feeling much better as I got close to the halfway point. I had lots of headaches in trimester 2. And I gained weight the same way - lots in trimester 1. Also, weirdly, my leg hair has started becoming much more light and growing more slowly. I remember now that it was the same with LM.

A few things are different - one complicating factor in this pregnancy is that I am still breastfeeding. Yes, I am breastfeeding my 2-year old. I should do a whole entry on toddler breastfeeding at some point, but I can't really think coherently right now.

Another thing I don't recall from my first is being so anxious. Not about the baby, but about LM and D. I'm constantly worrying that something horrible has happened. D took LM outside on a ferry yesterday and my first thought was "don't hold him up near the railing or we could risk something like that Toronto airport incident." (warning - sad link). D looked at me and said "We're not even going close to the edge!" But things like that cross my mind about 10 times a day and I wish I could find a way to curb it. I know it goes beyond normal parental caution and is getting into the slightly paranoid.

In other news, New Year's resolutions; originally I thought I didn't really have any. It's not a year for big career goals. I just want a nice, healthy fat little baby and that's it. But on reflection one can always come up with a few areas for improvement:

-exercise at least twice a week (I was doing pretty well with this until the last couple of months - urrrgh.)
-start taking my lunch to work at least 2-3 times a week;
-cut back the spending a bit to save for the maternity leave
-get more adventuresome with my cooking

And for your viewing pleasure, LM: