Second Time Pregnancy

Being pregnant for the second time is very different from the first. I must admit, I am not feeling very invested in this pregnancy yet. Either I feel wretched and glued to the sofa, or I feel fine and normal and the lack of symptoms has me convinced I'm no longer pregnant. The last few days I've felt great and part of me is wondering if everything is truly alright down there. And not in an upset, worried, sad way - more like a sort of disconnected curiosity.

We also haven't told a soul and given my general wonderings about whether this is okay, I don't think we will tell anyone until after our "dating" ultrasound which is three weeks away. Last time we'd told a dozen assorted folks by now. The only person I mentioned it to is the office manager because my office is being painted this week and I wanted to make sure it's an acrylic paint. She never even got back to me.

I guess the other thing is that I'm just so incredibly wrapped up in my toddler that I don't have a lot of energy for thinking and dreaming about the creature in my belly. I almost said "my child" instead of my toddler, but that would imply that this future baby is not my child, when of course (assuming it still exists) it is. I just have trouble picturing it all.

Anyway, I'm not upset about this lack of connectedness - I'm just commenting on it. Considering that until recent times, people didn't even really consider themselves pregnant until they felt a "quickening", I've often wondered if we place too much emphasis on the necessity of bonding in the early stages. After all, if something does happen, and there's always such a strong likelihood it can, isn't it better not to be overly invested? I realise that sounds horribly pessimistic, but really it's not. I think I just may enjoy this pregnancy more for lack of stressing about it. That is, if I'm still pregnant.

Sickly Sweet

Holy mother of God, this pregnancy is kicking my ass. I started to feel a little nauseous last week, but then had such a dearth of symptoms that I was starting to think maybe the bean hadn't "stuck." That changed this weekend - there is actually a permanent divet on the sofa as I've barely moved off it all weekend. I have no appetite for anything at all. I did choke down some brunch this morning, but wasn't even able to finish that. Then I had a slice of pizza tonight, but the steamed broccoli made me gag. Ugh.

When does morning (aka all-day) sickness peak? Please tell me something like seven weeks. I'm not sure how I can function at work this way (let alone home).

Luckily LM was in a stellar mood today and was happy to entertain himself for much of the day playing with his puzzles and singing to himself. "Five little ducks" is on constantly in our house and he has a plastic guitar that he strums along with.

I dragged myself to yoga this morning, which I think was a good thing. When I got home at 9:30, there was a little boy standing in the kitchen watching for me. He was wearing nothing but a robot t-shirt and two rubber boots, each on the wrong foot. His hair was messy and he had a big dimpled smile for me. It was the sweetest moment of my day, possibly my week. I love that kid so much.

6 weeks

I have had the most insane few weeks at work, busier than I ever have been. Which is fine because to be honest, August was so un-busy that I started to fret about someone noticing how few hours I was billing. In my defence, I had a lot of nonbillable work going on, but still. Anyway, I would love to share more about work, but don't feel I can here, even in an anonymous blog. All I can say is, ex parte orders are quite exciting!

Tomorrow I will be six weeks. (And I promise not all my blog posts will be week counts. Just noticed that.) So far, D and I have told no one except a few people on a mommy (and pregnancy) message board I frequent (a few of whom I have met in person) and you. So far, so good. Last time we were not nearly so stealthy as all sorts of people guessed right away. Hopefully I can keep it mum until the end of November at work. I'm sure I'll cave earlier when it comes to my family but I'd like to get into the double digits.

Anyway, six weeks feels like a good milestone since the time I miscarried, I was just short of that.

I am having occasional stinging pains in my side today, which has me slightly worried. My mind always races to worst case scenarios, like ectopic. But looking at the symptoms on "Dr. Google", I don't have any of the others markers, and I am susceptible to right quadrant pain, so it's probably nothing. I guess if it gets worse I'll think about getting it checked out.

4 weeks

Things are going well. Now officially into week 4, so it's feeling slightly more 'real'. I think I can stop obsessively testing to see if it has stuck. Still lots of potential for things to go sideways, so we are keeping it under wraps with all friends and family for now. Haven't told a soul, except on the Internet, ha!

I'm a little worried it's going to be a rough month. Morning sickness hasn't really hit yet but I expect that will come soon - probably still early. And the fatigue - not sure how that will be with a toddler and a full-time job. But if I get through October, I think things will be fine. I'm going to try to avoid telling work until the end of November, but we'll see if I can last.

You know what's awesome though? Happy hormones. I feel very zen. Work is 100 times better for no reason at all. I sleep like a baby at night. (That's a weird expression - my 'baby' still wakes up a million times a night.) They need to invent some sort of injection that makes you feel this way. Minus the nausea of course, and the obsessive calculation of gestational age.