Observations at the Park

One of the things I love about LM is how completely un-shy he is. He has always been incredibly social; even as a baby, if he woke up in a room full of people he'd look around and smile and watch and smile again; he didn't necessarily want to be part of the action - but he loved watching it from my lap. If he woke up at home with just me, he'd be grumpy for half an hour.

Today I took him to play at the park. He boldly walked up to three older children who were tossing the gravel on a little table. He picked up his shovel and started shovelling away too, digging deep into the stones and tossing them with glee. They ignored him, but undeterred, he shovelled away. Later he just marched up the slide and went up and down it again and again, a smile on his face each time, his teddy bear in his lap. Later as he dragged his poor bear across the gravel pit, he approached another older child. The child was playing with a truck and LM was interested. The child said "You're just a baby! I'm going to TAKE YOUR BEAR with my truck!" He was probably worried LM was going to take his truck and wanted to scare him off. LM just blinked, shot him a grin, and headed up the slide again with bear.

I so admire that. I am not like that at all - I can be really socially nervous. I wouldn't say I'm shy, but I would never approach a stranger. However, that social anxiety has gotten about a million times better since I had LM. Now that I know I can take care of another human being full time, I care so much less what other people think. But it's still there.

I can't take full credit for LM's social butterfly tendencies as some aspects of personality are just innate. Who knows, maybe they'll even change. But I will take some credit. I think part of the reason he's not afraid to approach that child is because he knows I'm there for him if anything goes wrong. Even if some other kid is mean, he'll always have his mama. I'm not up there in his face, but I am there in the background, ready to spring into action if he needs me (or if he starts eating dirt).

The other day D said to me, isn't it awful to think that someday someone will be mean to LM? He remembered an incident from his own childhood where a bunch of kids tormented him after swimming class. But I can't worry about the inevitable - we can't protect him from all the mean and cruel people in the world. Our role is to be that sheltering home for him to come back to when they are mean. And just like he did today at the park once he got tired of it all, I hope he knows that he can always come collapse in our arms for a little while.

Walking

In our neighbourhood, almost every one has an alley. I love that. Sometimes we walk past a house I find beautiful, or interesting, or odd, and I just have to duck down the alley and take a look at it from the back. It's so fascinating to get these little glimpses into people's real lives. Is there yard a paved concrete jungle with a broken down car? Or are there grapes hanging over trellises and tomatoes growing abundantly in little pots? Are there children's toys scattered across the lawn? Is neat laundry hung out on a line? Is there a beautiful granite water feature trickling away? Is there a family speaking Italian out on their summer deck, or four teenage girls huddled around the glow of a TV inside with a Bollywood musical? Do they have a beat-up old Rabbit or a fancy Lexus? I love our neighbourhood because we see all these things.

I think we may switch up our bedtime routine for the summer. After bed/bath/book/nurse, instead of the long ordeal of falling asleep we may just toss him in the stroller with his "Bear" and his blanket and wander the neighbourhood. We did it tonight and it worked very to transfer a sweaty little child into his crib afterwards. That's one of the things I miss about pre-parenthood - evening walks. Once bedtime happens, you have to be here. D goes on a walk by himself sometimes, but I can't be bothered to go alone. And yet I love the luxury of talking, walking, dreaming, planning.

Did I mention we were undertaking renovations? We are now at almost 2 weeks without a bathroom. Well, I exaggerate as we have a humble powder room in the basement. Trekking up and down the stairs for my nine million midnight pee breaks isn't ideal but it's better than having to knock on the neighbour's door. Showering at work is getting kind of old. Plus, half the time I'm so busy I can't do it in the morning and then before I know it, it's time to dash out the door for daycare. So sponge baths are my friend. I am really, really hoping to have a bath in the new tub this weekend, but that may be slightly ambitious.

Today was a good work day. I think I spoke to three separate clients which was pretty fun. I like being on the front lines, even though it's more stressful than knowing everything you say/do will be vetted. It's funny, when I was volunteering at law clinics, I thought I didn't want to do criminal because it was just so aggravating to see the situations people got themselves into. None of it was Law & Order suspense and drama. It was just "Yeah, I smashed the store window with a bottle" or "I threw rocks at that guy's car."

But maybe all law has an element of that. Of course, many people do find themselves in truly unfortunate situations through no fault of their own, and those are the cases where it's so rewarding to help out. But in a lot of situations you just want to say: "NO! You can't do that! Oh, you did already? Um, well, yes, they can sue you for that."

Feelings

I feel like I should just post something since I haven't posted anything in 10 days or so, but I really don't have much to say.

I'm desperately in need of vacation. I haven't taken any real time off in months and I'm feeling a little burnt out. I'm getting to that stage where I'm worrying about work in the middle of the night, and that's not good.

D is reading a book about psychology, and according to the book, people are very visual. When they think about the future, they can picture things - a new house, a beach vacation, a child. But it's very hard for them to imagine a different feeling, to foresee that they might be happier, or sadder, or calmer, even though they're in the same situation. This is part of why depression is so hard to get out of - it's so impossible to imagine feeling better.

And although I'm not depressed, I am restless. I have no trouble imagining different scenarios - cuddling a new baby on another mat leave, puttering in a renovated kitchen overlooking a lusher garden, taking a long beach vacation, opening a bed and breakfast a different city. But it's hard to imagine maybe just being in the same situation but loving it more, or feeling better about it, even though I find myself liking my job more all the time. Why is that? Am I just unimaginative?