Awake Is The New Sleep

I haven't blogged in a while about LM's sleep in a while, mainly because I've just stopped stressing about it. When we travelled in January, his days of sleeping through the night ended; then he got a terrible cold when he was back and actually either he or I have had a cold since that time. So he's been joining us in bed again, which I have been absolutely loving for the most part, especially when it means his first wake-up is around 1. When that happens I get those precious hours alone and then a wonderful snuggle. I love sleeping with his little head against mine and often wake to find him cuddled in my arms.

But now that wellness is here again, and those wake-ups are creeping earlier and earlier so that's he's up at 9, at 10 and then restless for a good portion of the night, I'm thinking it's time to do what the sleep consultant ordered again - aka back in the crib.

It was spur of the moment decision to do it again, because as I say, there are many things I love about him with us. But last night he just seemed ready. I went in the first time and told him to go back to sleep and without much protest he was sleep in 5 minutes. And then an hour later he called again, I went in, and he fell asleep again in 5 minutes. At around midnight he had a very long wake-up of an hour or so, most of which we spend whispering "Ssshhh" or patting his bum. He stayed awake but he didn't ever cry for more than a 30 seconds and he only once asked to nurse. He had one more wake-up at 3:30; that time I fed him and put him back to bed, since I didn't want him to have to go "cold turkey" and by that stage he was desperate to feed. Then he woke again at 5:45 and slept until 8:30 (I'm sure due to the fatigue of that long wake-up). Yes, five wake-ups - pretty par for the course although when he sleeps with us, I barely wake up myself. Anyway tonight is night 2 of the "method" and hopefully we have a mostly cry-free night again. I'm sure if I can cut out the night feeds, he'll stop waking up. I feel much better leaving him with a sitter when I know he'll actually go to sleep without a fight and stay asleep.

If there's one thing I'll know next time, the whole sleep thing is so fluid. I'm sure he'll have good months and bad months and times when he sleeps with us and times when he doesn't. And I'm okay with it changing if he's sick, I'm sick or whatever. Someday when he's 19 and sleeping until noon every weekend, I will occasionally think back on this time and laugh. I will also think with nostalgia of his warm little head burrowed into my neck.

LM at 19 months

So LM update - walking - he just takes off now!  Our backyard is not fully fenced so this is a real problem for us.  I doubt fencing is in the cards for this summer as we already have some major expenditures underway, but I may have to rethink that as I am constantly chasing him.

Also, he has a major obsession with stairs - going up 'em, down 'em, constantly.  "Ders! Ders!" Luckily we live in a bungalow so we only have stairs to the den in the basement.  His main use for those is standing at the top of them and throwing things down over the gate.  We figured out not to go after anything so we just say "Bye-bye" and wave at whatever object was hurled down towards the television.  He still throws things over but luckily he no longer tantrums if we don't go get them.  He's also constantly pining to go out the back door and go down the stairs there.  When we close the door, he'll do this silent scream and throw himself down on the ground.  About 10 seconds later this heartbreaking wail will emerge.  It's actually kind of funny, but also really sad, mainly because I remember what it's like to feel that frustrated (actually I still feel like that sometimes!).

Communication is good - he actually has tonnes of words and still signs a little bit.  He's very focussed on what belongs to whom, so is always telling me "Daddy dees" (Daddy's keys!)  "Mummy bike der!"  (Mummy's bike is there!) There are also the words we don't understand.  One sounds like baklava.  Another sounds like usheedo.  He says them to us over and over and we stare blankly and his little brow gets all furrowed, like he's thinking: What's with this woman and why won't she just let me usheedo?

He teases me too - like today when I was weeding I saw him drink out of the watering can... I said "Ick!  LM, ICK!" which he understands to mean "Don't put that in your mouth!"  So he looks at me, smiles and sticks his hand in again, then sucks on it with great gusto and says "Mmmmmm..."

Overtime

You know what I've come to realise?  I really don't mind putting in a couple of hours of work after LM goes down for bed.  Realistically, I'd otherwise be surfing the 'net or watching TV, so I don't feel like I missing out on living.  I'm not a productive baker, or seamstress at 9 p.m. but I can crank out a memo.  

I don't like working during naptime though - I need that downtime to either put my feet up myself or to do something productive, like garden.

And I really, really, really hate going into the office on the weekend.  Seeing LM's puzzled face  after our weekend morning routine (lazing in bed, some books and playing, pancakes for breakfast) as I wave bye-bye - it's the worst feeling in the world.  I thought about it all day and was racked with guilt, and annoyance at being away.  D said that LM had the best day ever, didn't ask for me at all, and was in a terrific mood.  Not sure that made me feel any better, honestly.  I can be away from him 5 days a week, no problem.  But make it six and it really starts to hurt. 

I'm pretty lucky as lawyers go as I don't have to do that very often.  But even once feels like too much.

Happy Chaos

My last few posts have been rather depressing, but I am hoping that the horrific start to this year is now over.

In other ways, life is very, very sweet. I feel like I'm kind of hitting my stride in terms of balancing the work/mother thing. I no longer feel guilty about the time LM spends in daycare. For a long time I resisted thinking that it's a "good thing" for kids to be in daycare and I still don't subscribe to the idea that a child is better off there. But I'm starting to realise there are advantages. He loves the other children and 'talks' about them constantly and I think he gets a lot out of being there.

Despite all the trouble we had finding a place for him to go, I am so pleased with the situation we have. The woman who cares for him is so wonderfully patient and loving. I've watched her defuse arguments between the children, and she's totally the mother I want to be. (Mind you, she has lots more experience as her kids are grown!) And she talks to the older ones with such respect and kindness, answering their questions with an appropriate mix of gravity and mirth. While her home is modest, she keeps them busy at the community centre and other spots. And really, what more do kids need than some toys, some books and each other? So it's not the major centre I briefly envisioned him at, but I'm actually pleased about that. LM forms very strong attachments and for him this works wonderfully. He literally leaps into the woman's arms at the start of the day. It's really rid me of any guilty I might otherwise feel because it's as if I'm leaving him with a surrogate grandmother.

Work is fine. I am very busy these days but I am learning to find balance there too - to say no if necessary and to realise when something is urgent or not really.

And life is just good. Even on the tough days, I find myself able to find joy in the small things. I'm rarely super-stressed. And for someone who's dealt with a heap of depression and anxiety issues in my past, I feel pretty proud of that given that first few years of law career + working mother could easily be the most stressful time of my life. But I feel in control, at least most days - and what else could I ask for than that?

Oh and LM finally started walking! It only took 18 months but he's full on racing now! I can't believe my baby is now really a little toddler now. He does and says something adorable every day. This one was taken awhile ago when he would only walk holding our hand.

Dear Uncle G

Dear Uncle G.

It's been a hard couple of weeks. I can't believe just over two weeks ago you were here and we had a conversation about Aunt E's life, and death.

I guess I learned to be careful what I wish for. With Aunt E, I kept thinking that the sickness dragged on and on. I think at one point I even blogged about wanting less time. By the time she left, I'd already mourned her for six months. I miss her terribly but when she died, I'll admit, a part of me felt relieved. But you were gone in just a few seconds, or at least that's what the coroner said. And this is so much harder. For me that is. I know it was probably easier for you.

It would be a stretch to call you a father figure, but you were basically the only older adult male who played a significant role in my life over the past few years. I'll miss that. Everywhere I look there are reminders of you - a pair of gloves you left, a beer you made, a book you bought for LM, or a sleeper, or a toy. I'll keep all those things, but it breaks my heart to think there won't be any more. Your presence will fade away.

I am angry at you too. I'm mad that you never saw a doctor. Maybe they could have detected this - maybe they could have prevented in. Hearts are fixable things these days - just look at those late night talk show hosts having heart surgery and going on to host more shows. Don't you know we needed you? Didn't we have plans?

And I feel guilty too - guilty that I took you for granted. I thought we had more time and I've been so busy with work and Aunt E and LM - I tend to get a little wrapped up in myself. I thought we'd get to go to a football game, to have you over more, to take another family trip together, to go for lunch on the Drive again. I want you to know that when I first moved to this city the first time, 9 years ago now, you were my best bud. I'm so glad we got to know each other that way and become friends.

I know you weren't perfect, and you knew that too. You were actually a pretty weird guy. One of my earlier memories of you is about you talking about some obscure battle in British India. You were obsessed with weird military facts. And you could be pretty politically incorrect - which is kind of weird since you were pretty faaaaaar left. Plus you teased your sisters mercilessly.

Your place was so tidy when I went over. It was almost like you were expecting me. Your will was ready - your taxes done. Almost like you were preparing to die even though I know that was the farthest thing from your mind. All I had to do was clean up the blood and erase the porn off the computer. And put away the full glass you had out. I'm really sorry you didn't get to enjoy that one last drink. Maybe you're toasting us somewhere in heaven. I hope so. And if so give Aunt E a hug for me.