I Should Think of A Better Title Than 'Ramblings' Because I Think I Already Used That One

As usual lots of disparate thoughts in my head.

Can't wait until I never have to do another minute book review. For the uninitiated, when someone buys or sells all or part of a company, they like to review the minute book, which contains all the corporate documents, to make sure everything was done above board. So you read through all these meeting minutes and corporate documents and try to find some anomaly - like Joe Smith director didn't sign his consent to act as director until a week after he was appointed. Ugh - boring. And even when you feel really good because you find something, you tell the person in charge and then it seems to just drift off into a blackhole and you never hear about it again. (Well, if you're me, you hope you never hear about it again! Damn I am going to jinx myself here.) So it feels kinda meaningless too. Countdown until articles are over and I can refuse to do that stuff on the basis of my non-corporate department status.

Second - ran into a bud of mine from my bar course at the courthouse. (Another bonus to litigation versus corporate - running into people you'd never otherwise see at the courthouse.) We got into a great chat. He was asking me about having kids, I was telling him it was hard but awesome. And then I asked if he and his wife were thinking about it. "Nah, we broke up." he said. Shit! He didn't seem to upset about the overly personal question but it struck me, I'm at that age now where my friends are becoming divorced. I really am getting old.

Three - hm - no way to segue this with the other two topics. Hitting! I was at a dear friend's house and her kid kept HITTING Little Man. I had no idea what to do. The hitter is almost 3. The first time it happened I thought it was a fluke, and comforted LM. I guess I didn't want my friend to feel bad, or for her to feel like I was mad at her child, so I tried not to get upset. She told her son not to do it and he seemed to listen to that. But soon after he lunged after LM again, giving him a real pummelling. He was sent to his room but soon came out again. Obviously I was distressed and got on my knees to run interference. Later the little dude went for LM again so I gently pushed him back before he could get him. He had a meltdown and screamed, and I felt bad for pushing him, but if the alternative was hitting I'm not sure what else I could have done. At that point I realised the visit should be cut short. For some reason I think he tried to go for LM for time #4 but the details are foggy.

Anyway - what do you do with that? My friend feels like a pariah. And between you and me, her child has been like that for a while. When he was 15 months he pulled LM's newborn hair when LM was sleeping in the swing. When he was 2, he threw a hard plastic ball at LM's 9-month old head. And now this. I guess the only thing I can do if I want to remain her friend is make sure that our activity doesn't involve any opportunity for the kids to interact - a walk in the stroller perhaps. What would I do if LM was like that? I think I would remove him entirely from the situation, which my friend didn't seem willing to do (and which I should have made happen sooner). Apparently her son does this all the time - I had no idea.

What would you do if your child hit like that? Is there something you're supposed to do that I don't know? LM is generally pretty good - when he gets rough, we remind him "gentle" and he will start patting whatever he was formerly tugging or yanking (usually the cat's tail). He flails his arms when really upset or angry but has yet to deliberately hit me (or anyone else as far as I know). He was also apparently unphased by the hitting because he had no sense of self-preservation in terms of avoiding this child. I like to think that it's because of his sheltered happy existence - and that he assumed it was a fluke, like when mommy accidentally opens the cupboard door into his head (only happened once - I swear!). I know that some day he may turn into a hitter despite my best efforts, so I try not to judge. Still, it really sucks to see your kid get beat on when he's just trying to groove out to the "demo" on an electronic keyboard.

So there are more topics, but to avoid this becoming a complete and utter ramble I will save them for another day.

Sweet Dreams

My aunt died today. I was there. It was peaceful. I won't say it was fast because she has been dying for months. But it was kind of sudden - one moment she was there and the next she wasn't. I kind of want to record somewhere what it was like - to be with someone dying. I read the pamphlet in the waiting area for loved ones called "Preparing for a Loved One's ..." can't remember the word they used, was it Death or Passing? Anyway, so much of it really happened just like they said in that brochure. Almost every symptom. But it feels kind of unfair to record that all here for posterity.

Instead I will just like to say she was a very generous person. She gave more than she got. She was stubborn, and sensitive. She was blunt and upfront. She cared very deeply about people and would do anything for those she loved. She had a very interesting life and helped a lot of people through her work. She was kind of a psychic and was very into reading people's auras and their tea leaves and all kinds of things. She had several very close female friends who have just been devastated by this happening. I was comforting one this evening and part of me wanted to say, hey, comfort me!

It's tough, when someone is ill for so long, to remember them before the illness defined them. But this is helping. I'm still in a lot of shock - usually when I send out a "family" e-mail it's to her, my mother, my husband, my brothers and their significant others. I guess now I don't add her to the To: line anymore. That will be weird. As will the family stuff - no Christmas with her, no Thanksgiving. I have some regrets - I wish I'd hung out with her more on mat leave. But part of me knows that's okay - hindsight is always 20/20.

I also want to note that we had amazing care - not just her, but all of us. The nurses were so wonderful and kind and thoughtful. They gave us hugs and brought us ice cream. People complain a lot about Canada's health care system, but it's amazing. She had so much support throughout her cancer. She had access to experimental treatments, alternative treatments, fantastic oncologists, a nurse who visited her at home and so many other resources.

When my father died of cancer he was treated at one of the best teaching hospitals in the U.S. (we lived there then), and I don't think the level of care was any better. The community resources (like the home-visit nurse) were certainly not as good.

I went swimming tonight with LM and he was so happy and joyful. I have so very much to be so very thankful for.

Anyway it's been a real long day. G'night and sweet dreams. xo

I Never Felt So Wicked as When I Willed Our Love to Die

There is a lot swirling around in my brain right now and if it weren't close to bedtime just before the start of another busy week (and the end of a very busy weekend) I'd probably write more.

My first thoughts are around how death brings out the worst in some people. There is at least one vulture already on the horizon, squawking about inheritance and attempting to get her greedy little claws into everything. My aunt is not even dead yet and this carrion eater is circling. She's telling everyone what a huge inheritance she stands to get and is also complaining about how my aunt is "wasting money" by not cancelling her car insurance and gym membership. Yeah, I'm sure that's top of mind when you're in the hospital dying because you have 19 brain tumours. The vulture is also telling people my aunt is a millionaire, which is so far from the truth it's laughable. This cousin has always had a sense of twisted entitlement - a sense that had a rough ride and everyone else has it easy...and (this is important) because of this they owe her something. The fact that she thinks my aunt is rich just demonstrates that delusion. The capper is my aunt and this girl didn't speak for a year before her death because this cousin picked a huge fight and refused to speak to her, although they did reconcile in the past month or so.

Also, my aunt - god it's so fucking awful. I won't write more than that.

Number three - this is so stupid - I got in a fight over a parking spot tonight. Some cow left a note on my car telling me not to park in front of her house. So I went to her house and knocked with a note saying unless she can show me documents indicating she owns the street I'll park wherever the goddamn hell I please. Let me add I was parked in a LEGAL SPOT for about 2 hours because I was at a friend's. It's not like I parked my junker for three days in front of her driveway. She came out on the street and started yelling at me - it was hilarious actually, although I did feel kind of bad strapping LM into his carseat as crazy lady yelled at me. You know what I hate? Note culture. I hate people who leave notes or send e-mails to deal with ridiculous situations. Talk to your f*cking neighbours please. Okay, I admit I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have and I'm lucky it didn't go (even more) sideways. Watch the police show up at my place because crazy lady reports my license plate. But you know what? It was really cathartic.

But not everything going on in my head is super depressing - in the past couple of days I've had some major realisations about what I want to do that are quite exciting. I'm contemplating hiring a life coach, which seems sort of new agey but I've got a couple of friends who have done with great success. I am going to set a goal - working for myself by 2010, doing legal education, giving back to the community, working with women and youth and individuals. I haven't got it all worked out in my mind - in fact nowhere close - but I've got to start a brainstorming process that involves more of a goal than just "Put in time at big firm." This situation with my aunt has been tough, but if there's one thing I'm learning it's that sometimes the present is a good place to be, and I need to make the most of it.

Blah - I'm having one of those crappy days... spent a long time on a project and I don't think it was very good. But was clear "I'd put a lot of work into it." Have a research question I can't make heads or tails of. D is off at work in the evening, which I hate. I really, really hate having to work in the evening. I really, really wish I could find something 9 to 5 that I could shut off at the end of the day. Boo. Just want to crawl into a bubble bath and have a little cry about my poor auntie.

Nigh

I've been crying wolf on this for months now, but the end is nigh for my aunt. The last few months have been constant crisis and it's all now sinking in. I know so many people wish for more time, and this is horribly awful, but sometimes I wish we'd had less. Finding her losing use of her limbs? unable to get out of bed? Not a good day. Finding her unable to get up to use the toilet? Not a good day. Several months of being completely immobile and housebound? Not great. Having to be cared for by strangers, albeit very patient, nice ones? Losing her sight, her appetite, her ability to have a conversation. Being left alone in hospice care while most of her family (i.e. us) went to a wedding for 10 days. Listening over and over and over to those damn healing tapes that tell you that if you just think positive it will get better. Forgetting words, being told you have to give away your dog, having all these colleagues you haven't seen in years come to gawk at you in your hospital gown, lying in bed for hours on end. Yeah, it hasn't been a great few months.