Amusing Stories

Note to self: do not watch movie in which child dies immediately before going to bed. Ugh. I am going to have bad dreams tonight.

Mother postponed her trip slightly and now another family member is coming to look after aunt for a while, so that's good. Gawd... rips your heart out. So many good things were coming her way. Things are on ice right now as steroids and radiation has everything in a holding pattern.

On other issues: Work - it's good... I just wish I didn't have to be there quite so much. Am pining for a four-day work week and trying to figure out how/when/if that would work. D and I are slowly coming to the conclusion that it just isn't working for us to have both of us working long hours, so something's gotta give eventually. He is starting to think seriously about moving jobs and I'm contemplating what I will do once my articles are up.

Had my first solo court date today - nothing major, just a little small claims issue. I was able to sort of enjoy it, though I must admit I quavered a bit when I got up to speak.

Provincial courts really are fascinating places if you like people-watching. Most people in small claims are acting for themselves so they just get up there and start ranting which is kind of fun. But it's also kind of frustrating. It's sort of ridiculous that someone can owe someone else thousands of dollars and be allowed to pay them back over a period of years. I have no idea how typical that is, but what I was watching today was mostly people coming up with long convoluted schedules for repayment.

There was one group trying to figure out some payment schedule and literally the dude wanted to pay back $7000 at a rate of $10 a month. The judge shot that down but only set the payment at $100 a month. I mean, I know for some people that's a lot, but the guy had a $300 cell phone bill and admitted to spending $40 a month on alcohol and smokes. To me those are not fixed expenses. Another party begged not to up their monthly payments even though they made $75 charitable donations each month (and owned 3 cars). I'm sorry, but if you owe someone a few thousand dollars, I think your obligation should be to them over some prosletysing charity (and over your '79 Chevy).

I'm still mulling over whether I want to do corporate law or whether I want to be in the courtroom. One thing litigation definitely has in it's favour is amusing anecdotes. There aren't as many of those when you're stuck in a boardroom with a bunch of documents doing due diligence.

I Am Not Dealing With This Very Well

I've had a lot of death in my life - one parent, three grandparents (the fourth died before I was born), 2 childhood friends, a pet, a miscarriage (not sure if that really counts, but hey.)

But still, I have no idea what to say. I am not coping well with the shaky handwriting on the card, the feebleness, the realisation that this may the last birthday that she'll be here, the last holiday...

I am irritated that my mother is going out of town for three weeks. I think it's a monumentally bad idea. But on the other hand if she stays, it will upset my aunt because she will know it's because we think she doesn't have much time. Crap, this stuff is so hard. But I guess I should just suck it up, because right now it's not really about me.

Self-Disciplined Child

I should be working right now but technical difficulties (and general lethargy) prevent me from doing so, so I guess I'll just squeeze it in tomorrow morning.

I won a book recently in a contest, which is so cool... I never win things, well, never good things anyway. It's called Raising a Self-Disciplined Child. I wasn't going to enter the contest until I read the Amazon preview, but this line "spoke" to me: "A disciplinarian, [the authors] state, is not a parent who punishes or intimidates, and the goal is not to produce compliant, obedient kids. Rather, the objective is to keep children safe, help them learn self-discipline and become responsible for their own actions and choices."

Anyway, it all sort of feeds into some thinking I've been doing lately about what kind of parent I am and what my philosophy is. I always find it funny when people criticise users of certain parental philosophies and say "well, obviously it didn't work because their kid is so unruly." But is being a rule-follower really evidence of good parenting? Does it set you up for future happiness and success? Obviously when safety is an issue, the ability to listen and obey is a good thing, but in general, I don't want a child who will nod meekly when I say "Because I said so." I think in 20 years, it's all those super-obedient kids who end up mindlessly voting in moron after moron. (Seriously, WTF? And double WTF?) Maybe those unruly kids who ran around the Mother Goose lesson screeching their heads off are protesting human rights conditions in Tibet. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself here considering that LM isn't even one yet. But, I won't deny that I sometimes wish I were more inclined to take risks, to question, and to demand explanations. I wish I had the confidence to do that. At the same time, I want to find a balance because I don't think that a totally free-for-all environment is a good place either - children need some predictability and structure.

There's a longer entry here somewhere (and a bunch more in my head), but I'm tired, so I'll try to focus. Basically, I'm excited about the book arriving and I hope it gives me some useful suggestions for my parenting toolbox. I'll report back on what I learn.

Half Full, I Think

In some ways today was amazing - baby slept in; we were at work earlyish; I billed some solid time, left at 5. Managed a little playtime with LM and had a home-cooked meal (thawed out, but still) on the table at 6:30. Just after 7 I went out to meet a friend for a run, which was wonderful, since it was a delicious evening. When I was small we'd have called this weather pattern 'Indian Summer', but I notice that term is not used anymore by radio announcers anymore. It's sort of too bad because it's a very evocative turn of phrase, but I suppose it has some politically incorrect origin. Anyway, the water was gorgeous, and there were people all around eating ice cream, having coffee and so on - and it was just fun to be out on a "school" night. And now it's not even 10 and I've got time to write to you all.

In other ways, it was not so perfect. I'm still feeling sort of guilty for leaving work at 5 as I am often the first to go; I came home to find LM snotty, and although he was quite jolly at his sneezes, he was definitely sick. Not to mention I barely had any time with him - maybe an hour in the morning, and an hour and a half in the evening. It just doesn't feel like enough.

I think the Type A part of me is just going to have to come to terms with the fact that nothing will be done quite perfectly these days.

I Ain't Missing You at All - Except When I Am

Today was hard. LM was very cranky this morning; I was dropping him off at daycare solo since D had to be at work early. He was yelling the whole time I was getting ready and was in tears when I dropped him off. I welled up too, but then I remembered to be cheerful so he wouldn't be more upset by my being upset. "Have a great day!" I grinned through clenched teeth. Blah.


I was weepy all the way to the bus stop and then several times after that throughout the day - probably because I wasn't busy at all today and 90% of the lawyers were away so there was no one to get work from. It felt completely pointless to be there. I got all panicked at lunch because I called the daycare and no one picked up. I kept imagining horrible things and could barely restrain myself from rushing right over. That's a way my anxiety manifests itself - worry. Then panic was probably aided by the fact that the only thing I had to do all afternoon was look up regulatory limitation periods. I stopped and realised what I was doing and went for a walk to get my mind off it. The daycare lady did call back and leave me a message while I was out and I could hear him chattering away in the background so that made me feel better.

Five days is a long time to be away from my little guy. I don't like it. It's too much and I miss him terribly. Not at all on day one, two and three - but by day 5 I just want to feel his wriggly little self in my arms. Someone made the point to me recently that's it's sort of strange that there isn't more jobsharing in law, since the job lends itself to it quite easily. Whereas a profession like teaching doesn't as much, yet they seem to be able to manage it there - obviously because people demand it.

I don't know - I have moments where I want to do the prestigious firm thing for a while - maybe make a career at it, shoot for partner, whatever. Then I have moments where I just want to get out as soon as the articles are done and find something part-time for a bit. I think of any 'big firm' it's probably the best fit and I feel very comfortable there, but I'd like to start thinking about what some other options might be just in case. I'm not sure I have it in me to work as hard as I'd have to if I wanted to do big law.

We have an appointment at the bank tomorrow and I don't even want to be away from LM that long! It's funny, for D everything feels better now that we're both working and in the same boat. But for me it feels like I have less time with him, less time with LM and I'm kinda slacking off at work since I have to get out of there and get home.

Blah - I'm just having a bad day - tomorrow will be brighter. I get to spend it with this guy!

Busy Times

Man, sometimes I really wonder how people do this... work plus parent. It's a tough juggle. And I'm starting to realise that when you have a high pressure job and commitment to family, the thing you sacrifice is sleep. At 12:15 on Friday I got an urgent e-mail from an associate and a call from a partner. I had a bunch of tasks to do - drafting interview questions for a discovery, reviewing land title registry requirements in another province, trying to find a work-around for a client who just realised he can't legally do something. I had a welcome lunch that day too, so after figuring out what they wanted me to do, I rushed out for lunch... couldn't quite enjoy it as I was watching the clock the whole time. By the time I got back from lunch there was a message from the partner asking if I'd done what she asked (Um, no) so I did that as quickly as I could. Then I spent a few hours on the research task and came up with virtually nothing. I still managed to squeeze out the door to pick up LM from daycare with the promise that I'd check my e-mail later and do some research for first thing Saturday.

On the way to pick up LM (at the last possible moment) the wires on the bus got derailed so I was stuck in traffic for 15 minutes in the middle of an intersection. I was only five blocks away but the driver refused to let anyone off the bus. I guess when the rails come off they automatically shut off any heating and ventilation too because the temperature immediately soared to about 40 degrees celsius. Naturally, my cell phone was dead too since LM peed on it a while ago when I let him play with it and the battery life hasn't been quite the same since. I show up at the playground sweating and frazzled but at least LM is happy to see me. "No poops again!" says the daycare provider with a concerned look. I assure her that he pooped before daycare, so we're all clear there.

Get him home, nurse, feed, play, bath, empty bath and remove poop, run bath again, watch LM get frustrated with his shaper sorter because he can't get the piece in (man, that kid takes after me sometimes) bedtime. Then I log in to my e-mail and find three urgent e-mails from the associate. Mercifully the last one tells me not to bother doing any more research on the task until Monday. I planned to do all my other undone work on Friday so I could enjoy the weekend, but I was way too exhausted and collapsed into bed at 10, only to find I couldn't sleep.

I wonder if I'll ever have an hour to watch TV in the evenings again?

A Day in the Life of a Working Mother

Wow - I am adjusting to being back at work. It's quiet a different pace, I must say. I am enjoying it much more than I thought. I admit, in the two or three days right before going back I had a few toddler-esque moments of whining "I don't wannnnna go back to work" through tears. But I also had a realisation on the bus that at least I'm going back to a job that's a pretty good one - it's not like I'm scrubbing toilets at a penitentiary.

So work is good. There are a lot more young associates than there were when I started there a few years ago, so the atmosphere is much more fun and lively. I'm not super-busy yet, but I have a few interesting files coming my way. But basically it would be perfect if I didn't have to go every single workday. Someone needs to legislate the four day work week.

It's quite different having a child - no more lingering around after work or showing up really early. A couple of times a week I have to leave at 4:30 to get LM from daycare. I haven't really told anyone that's what I'm doing - I just do. So far no one has gotten stressed about it, though I should probably make it a habit to check my e-mail when I get home. Luckily in this modern age that isn't a big problem. Or maybe that's unlucky - I'll be expected to check.

LM is adjusting well to daycare. He doesn't like to be handed right to the provider's arms, but if I put him down he crawls off right away and starts to investigate and make himself at home. So far there haven't been any tears, but perhaps there will be once he realises he's going there EVERY day. I hope not, but I'm prepared for it. But maybe we'll escape that stage altogether. It's funny - for a while he had separation anxiety that was sooooo intense, I wondered how he'd ever manage without me. But he has grown into such a happy, secure little guy - it's wonderful to see. He knows I'll be back for him at some point.

When I go to pick him up he is happy to see me - that's always a highlight of the day. He immediately goes for the chest to nurse, although I can distract him long enough to take the bus home if necessary. But once we're settled at home we have a nursing session. It's a very relaxing way to reconnect after a long day apart. It's funny - when I was breastfeeding a newborn I couldn't imagine breastfeeding someone so big and toddler-esque. But now I can't imagine breastfeeding a newborn with a wobbly head and a tiny little mouth and the insatiable appetite. Nursing an older baby is so much easier.

After that we play a little bit on the floor. Then D. and I manically try to put dinner on the table in time to all eat together - a new experiment. D and I used to always eat after LM went to bed but as he gets older and is eating more of what we eat, we're trying to move towards the family dinner.

After a very messy dinner, LM has his bath and goes to bed and I busy myself with cleaning up the high chair carnage and making his breakfast and lunch for the next day. The sleeping is still going well. He didn't sleep through the night again right away after his first time, but he did again about 5 days later and has pretty much done it ever since. He is waking up damn early so we're now trying to rectify that. We can usually get him back to sleep right away with a few pats, so we're hoping that he eventually gets used to not waking until 6:30.

Like everything else these days this post is more of a ramble than anything coherent, but I don't seem to have the time to edit my thought process.

Bad News

Confirmation today that the cancer has spread to the brain. Not a good thing. A quick Google search on this is not at all optimistic. I'm not sure if my aunt will even make it out of the hospital. Went to see her today and it only sunk in then.

"I always thought I'd live forever," she said.

"Well, you still might" I said, voice wavering.

"I don't think so," she said.

I'm just feeling this hideous guilt too, that I didn't do more for her, see her more this year while I've been at home. She loves LM and always wanted to babysit, but I only really arranged that she do so once. I should have taken him over more, I should have gone there myself. The last time I saw her she was dropping off a housewarming gift and she wanted to chat; we sat in the backyard for a while but I was in a rush to do an errand before leaving town and I was glancing at my watch. Why didn't I just tell her more often that she meant a lot to me? And what can I do now to make up for it?