Uh-Oh

Things I have pulled out of Little Man's mouth today:

• cardboard paint chip, in multiple pieces
• live power cord
• sock (D's)
  
• shoe (mine)
  
• laptop key that he pulled off the keyboard and held in his mouth for several minutes before I noticed
• National Geographic, Harper's and Domino
  
• Giant tuft of cat hair from under the sofa
• Cat's tail

And he's not even mobile yet! Yesterday he was digging dirt out of the pots and eating cat food. I am going to be in for it.

Sleep Challenges

Yet more sleep challenges in the Grass is Greener household. LM's stretches are actually getting longer and more and more he is up only twice between the time we go to bed and wake up. Absolutely heavenly. However, he has become more and more dependent on me for sleep. In the morning, we nap together - a luxury I love. We started it partly because I love the sleep and partly because he won't really nap otherwise, not for more than 20 minutes or so. But the moment I get up and creep away, his eyes whip open. That's not a real problem per se, but how does he know?

And one thing that always went right, or we thought, was bedtime. He always nodded off nicely to sleep after nursing him. Sure, he might be up an hour later, but with a few jiggles, a rock, maybe a nurse, he'd be back down. Now he just refuses to go to sleep in the first place. Instead of being a sweet, sleepy bundle as I place him in the crib, he's a live wire jumping and kicking his legs and smiling. And the second I leave the room there are screams that make my fillings rattle. At first we figured maybe he just wasn't tired - after all his schedule has been out of whack with all our travel, so we let him stay up. But then he did it again, and again. And he's clearly tired, rubbing his eyes, getting cranky and so on. But he just does not want to fall asleep in a room that we're not in. And yet, I treasure my evenings - I need them to keep some semblance of self and sanity. I really do not want my baby still awake at 9 p.m. So blah to that.

You know what's kind of hilarious? I think I may have to become the world's first co-sleeping cry-it-outer. You would think a child who has such positive associations with sleep - nestling into his mother's arms, nursing on demand, cuddled up all warm and cosy - wouldn't fight it so damn much.

Why You Shouldn't Have a Child to Strengthen Your Relationship

I have all these half-started posts in my head, and some in Blogger, but I'm just sort of at a loss these days. I could come in and write a bunch of random stuff, but that seems sort of boring.

One of the things that has occurred to me recently is how hard having a kid is on your marriage. People told me this before, and I always thought - sure, for you guys, but not for us. But eight months in, I have to say, it is really, really tough.

For one thing, when you have a child there's this third person inserted in your relationship. And you love that third person so very, very much. It's not that I love him more than D - it's a totally different kind of love. But right now, at this stage of LM's development, he is just so dependent on me, so his needs come first a lot of the time. Not always, but a lot of the time. And he just needs me so much. And I love being needed like that, but sometimes after spending a whole day taking care of someone else, I do not have a lot left in me for anyone else.

I have been increasingly snappy and short with D. I'm often frustrated when the dishes aren't done, the baby isn't fed at the right time, the clothes are on the floor again. So I am resolving to stop doing this - to be nicer and more patient. But I also do think some of my complaints are valid and that I do need a little more help around the house, so I also need to think of nicer ways to ask D to help. Even when I ask in a nice or patient tone, I feel like I'm constantly nagging. Don't you wish there was a way so that you didn't have to ask? But the reality is, you do have to ask, because he's not always home to notice the cobwebs in the hall or to observe LM is now napping twice a day and not three times.

We had a long talk about all of this today, and that was great. One strength we've always had is communication. (And no, D doesn't read this, although he knows about it, so I am not using it as a passive-aggressive tool to communicate with him.)

Anyway, I'm not sure how eloquent this all is, but I consider myself so lucky to have a husband who does so much, who is a great father, who adores me and his child. We are each other's best friend. And we have a child who has gone from being a fussy, colicky little guy to being the sweetest most happy little boy who is so much fun. But still, it's hard! I hate admitting that - I hate admitting that it's a challenge; it doesn't seem right that something so joyful should be. But it is, for the most mundane reasons.

Miscellanii

A series of random posts that have occurred to me recently:

1. For the past two weeks I've been staying with friends and family. I'm back home now, and while it feels wonderful, there is one part I really miss: Showers alone. For two whole weeks there was always another pair of hands to entertain Little Man so I could linger under the hot water. But as of yesterday it's just him and me again. Showers are far less relaxing when you have to constantly be poking your head out from behind the curtain yelping "Peekaboo!" in order to keep him from melting down. I think his separation anxiety has eased a bit in the last couple of weeks but he's still not prepared to be in a different room from me if he's awake. (Or asleep - but that's another post.)

2. My cat - After the baby was born the former queen of the roost was suddenly person a(cattus?) non grata. But pet lovers everywhere will be relieved to know I have stopped hating her so much. I actually kind of like her again, which is good, because she was accustomed to a lot of love before. LM has enough love for the both of us - he adores her. But although I'm starting to enjoy having a pet again, I still really hate her when she stands outside his room while he's asleep and meowing at the top of her lungs.

3. Food - I make most of LM's food (except when we're travelling, then we go to jars) and I'm sort of particular about it. How do I deal with all the annoying people who constantly want to give him cookies? I'd really just prefer to keep him off sugar for at least a year, maybe more. I'm not totally obnoxious about it - when we visited my aunt she was desperate to give him a popsicle (!!!) since she said that all her kids loved them when they were fussy. I figured since he probably wouldn't see her for another two years and popsicles were not going to be part of a daily regimen, that it was no big deal. He didn't like it anyway. But we have friends in town who are constantly offering arrowroots, Mum-mums et cetera. I just figure if there's no nutritional value in it, I'd rather not give it to him. But it's starting to get hard to refuse without being insulting. I realise a Mum-mum or five is not the end of the world, but we all pick our battles as parents and for whatever reason, food is mine. I thought about saying he doesn't like them, but it's not all that convincing when he's reaching for it.

Woops - nap over. Gotta run.

Uneventful Plane Ride

The travel gods were good to me today and we had a very non-eventful plane ride with LM. (Well, there one was one more poop incident - but after my train ride I delegated all en route diaper changes to D.) Two people actually thanked me afterward for "such a good baby." Maybe some of them were on the plane ride with us there and had traumatic memories of the screaming baby on that plane.

It feels good to be home - there are little tiny green shoots on the evergreen trees, the fruit trees are blossoming. Spring was just around the corner when I left and now it is finally here. Oh, and it's so nice to be back to the food here. I remember when I moved here, one of the "cultural differences" I noticed was a rather neurotic preoccupation with food. I think I am now one of those neurotic foodies. And that feels okay.

I have more to write, but I am so tired, and more importantly, so is LM.

How to Dissaude Random Strangers from Procreating

How to dissuade random strangers from procreating:

1. Book five-hour train trip with infant

2. Feed infant loads of fruit before trip

3. 40 minutes into train ride discover baby has pooped and change facilities are lacking.

4. Change baby on floor between seats, which are mercifully empty

5. 80 minutes into train ride change poopy diaper number two - no pun intended. Accidentally get poop all over your hands. Subtly try to wipe it off before other passengers see you.

6. Three hours into train ride change poopy diaper number three. Realise poop is all over babies clothes. While trying to dispose of diaper in barf bag, accidentally smear poop all over bag and hands. Leave half-naked baby on train floor as you try to rifle through your baggage for new clothes since for the first time in three weeks you have neglected to pack extra outfit.

7. Because of absence of garbage bags, spend next two hours sitting next to barf bags full of extremely stinky diapers. Avoid glances from the few train passengers who thankfully missed the naked baby show and are now quizzically trying to locate the source of foul smell.

8. In struggle to remove three suitcases, playpen, stroller, baby and car seat from train, accidentally forget poopy diaper bag on train.

Believe me, no one who sees this go down is going to be in any rush to have children.

A Full-Time Job

Been thinking more about my training dilemma and what to do with Little Man. You know what I hate? I hate that I always have to be the one to figure out what we do with him. I can go on the training, but I have to arrange childcare, or ask D if he'll take the time off.

When we got pregnant, although we were thrilled, it was unexpected timing and my life plan had to shift around quite a bit. No one asked me whether I wanted to sacrifice my clerkship - it was assumed that if someone stayed home for the year of EI, that it would be me. No one asked me if I wanted to put on 40 pounds, or feel sick for four months, or deal with a borderline colicky baby for 12 hours a day while D worked hellish hours in the first four months. But I did. And yes he did agree to be home early two nights a week, but that was still a lot of long lonely nights at home in our tiny apartment with my laptop after LM fell asleep. So why should I feel bad asking D to take the time off now?

My career is just as important as his is. All year D has said that when I go back to work, he is going to go down to four days a week, at least temporarily. But that changed when I reminded him that next year, someone would have to be home at 6 each night to get LM from daycare or nanny, and it won't always be me. His first instinct was to suggest an au pair, so that we can have the flexibility to work late. "D," I said, "we didn't have a child so that he can spend 12 hours a day in the care of someone else - I think we need to commit to the idea that at least one of us will be home by 6 almost every night." Once I said it, he agreed, but it bugs me that I even had to say it. And the end result is that since he can't work the insane hours during the week, he feels he has no right to ask for the reduced workweek he had planned to negotiate.

He called me today to let me know he'd phoned around about some nanny services for August; it was meant to be a thoughtful gesture, but I must admit it grated on me. I hate that while I'm doing the training, I'm still going to be responsible for managing LM the whole week on my own - making sure the nanny isn't crazy, rushing back after the training and so on.

Don't get me wrong, D is an amazing and involved father. He changes almost all the diapers on the weekend. When LM cries at night, D leaps up to get him. He plays with him, gives him baths, feeds him, gets up with him in the morning on weekends to let me sleep, and does at least 50% of the childcare when he's around. And as for work, he makes nearly three times what I will in my articling year (articling students in my city do not make much) and he manages our finances, so he puts a lot of pressure on himself at work as well.

But I think there are going to be real challenges as I get back into the work force. It's going to be really hard for both of us to shift mentality - I won't be the default daycare anymore. And I admit that sometimes I feel like Dads only have to be Dads when they're not doing the 9 to 5 (or 7 to 7 as the case may be.) Motherhood is a 24-hour a day profession.

Sold!

Our place sold! Yahoo. And for just $500 less than the initial offer, so all in all it worked out wonderfully. Thanks for your positive thoughts (and your lovely compliments on LM.) To answer your question Kaitlyn, I don't think he looks that much like either of us, at least not in the way some babies do where you look at them and see one parent. However, if you look at baby photos of D, and also of my brother, there are a lot of similarities with both of them. (And I think he has my eyes! But luckily for him, someone else's long lashes.)

Can't believe how quickly work is creeping up on me. I got an e-mail from my boss a couple of days ago asking if I wanted to do some training in the Big Smoke. Training opportunities are fairly few and far between in my city, at least at our office, plus I think it would be really cool to meet some of the students one of the bigger offices and participate in their training. Plus it will be kinda fun to spend some time in Canada's law capital. Obviously I've been to the city before (am in fact headed there next week) but not in any sort of lawyerly function. I said yes immediately.

Problem is, it's in August, before my mat leave is officially over. So it begs the question - what to do with LM? It's hard to imagine what he'll be like three months from now. Right now he is going through this big separation anxiety phase, and when I leave him to go to the gym, yoga, shopping, whatever, he'll often cry for an extended period - it's very trying on his caregivers, and him. I'm not sure if he'll be as dependent on me once he's more mobile and so on, but what if he is? Also, I don't want to wean him yet, so leaving him for four days could be both physically and emotionally traumatic for us both. I'd be engorged and I'd have to pump to maintain my supply, and I think the sudden weaning, even if it's temporary, could be fairly traumatic for LM.

So I have three options, more or less in order of preference:

1. Take LM with me, convince D to take a week of holidays and all go together;
Pros: LM's transition to me as a working woman is less traumatic; he spends time with Dad and we get to see some of D's family.
Cons: We'd prefer to spend D's vacation time working on the house; ticket cost.

2. Take LM and hire a nanny service to take care of him while I am there.
Pros: LM doesn't have to undergo sudden weaning; I don't suddenly disappear from his life for a week when previously he's never been away from me for more than a few hours;
Cons: Cost; LM is left alone with a stranger in a strange place.

3. Leave LM at home and hope D can take a vacation week, or arrange some other child care.
Pros: I can just relax on training and don't have to juggle LM's morning and evening rituals; can take advantage of all the dinners and so on.
Cons: I can only base it on how he is now, but I think this could be fairly traumatic for LM; he'd survive, but it would be kinda painful for him and by extension, for me; I'd have to be diligent about pumping and maintaining supply; we risk damaging our breastfeeding relationship.

Decisions, decisions. I'm definitely leaning toward #1 or 2, but am keeping #3 in mind just in case LM does become radically more independent.