Battle of Wills

I remember when I was 8 or so months pregnant, I told D very seriously that I wanted the baby in our room for at least 6 weeks. HAAAA ha ha ha HHAAA ha ha ha HAAAAA ha ha HAAA. (*Wipes tears from eyes.*) Little did I know that we'd be nearing the six month mark and the kid would still be NOWHERE near close to sleeping through the night and nowhere near close to being out of our room. He goes down in his crib fine at bedtime and I keep telling myself, someday, he'll just sleep in there all the way until morning!

It didn't happen last night though - he went down at 7 and woke at 9. I was burnt out from a long and rather fussy day and I asked D to deal with it. LM often wakes at 9, but usually goes down again with just a little pat. But not last night. D spent an hour on the exercise ball before he gave up and I gave him the almighty boob. I'd been sitting in an inch of water (my attempt at a relaxing bath aborted because the water running keeps him up) the whole time thinking "I am NOT going to do it..." I knew the breast would probably work, but I just really wanted a few hours off. I should know that once I let myself think I am entering into a battle of wills, I lose every single time. I have already lost. But I finally gave in and he went down. He was up again at 1. And 3. And up for the day at quarter-to-five. Oh, and yes that is a typical night for us. Yay.

No one else I know seems to be having the same sort of sleep problems with their baby. It makes me feel like such a freak. On my bad days, I wonder how could I do be doing it so wrong? What did I do so that his sleep is actually worse than it was when he was a newborn? But on my good days I do know it's him, and not me, and I remind myself that my next baby is going to be an AWESOME sleeper.

Where's My Book?

One of the things that bothered me when I was pregnant was that a lot of the home birth literature has this almost fanatical bent to it. I mean, on the one hand, one of the main arguments in favour of home birth is that women should have control and choices in how they birth and should do what is comfortable for them. But then a lot of the proponents are so dead certain that there's only one right way to do it - and that conceding to any intervention is some sort of failure. They make it seem like in order to have a home birth you must be so hardcore about it that afterwards you're going to cook up the placenta and eat it for dinner. (Which reminds me, our placenta is still in our freezer, but I digress.) So in that sense, the proponents alienate those who might otherwise consider it because they make it seem like it isn't a mainstream choice. And as a result a lot of our friends and family thought we were doing it just to make a point, when in fact, we felt that for us it was a safe and sensible choice.

I find the same thing with breastfeeding sometimes. I'm not planning to wean at six months, or even a year. If what I've read is true it will be possible to continue breastfeeding in the morning and evening even when I'm working. I have no idea how significant the health benefits of breastfeeding are past the infant stage, and frankly, I don't care. I enjoy it and so does he. I remember thinking that with mothers who breastfeed toddlers "It's really as much about her..." Now I realise, well, duh, yeah! If I enjoy bonding with my kid that way, why not?

So I was mildly interested when I stumbled across a book about a breastfeeding toddler - but then the whole book is so hardcore; these people only shop at a farmer's market, and they don't own a car; their happy toddler is permanently in a sling on their hip or in a bike seat. I do admire that lifestyle in some ways, but it's not the one I've chosen. And it seems to me that people who relate to that book don't need a book like that to encourage breastfeeding an older child - I'm sure their happy granola circle and all their pals on the mothering.com forums are extremely supportive. Where's the pro-breastfeeding book for the condo-dwelling child of corporate drones? Now that's one I'd add to my Amazon.com wishlist.

Cave People Were Short

I did something atrociously stupid the other day. Makes my heart stop just to think about it. I must admit, I do have a tendency to rationalise my parenting decisions by saying "Well, before Western civilisation...", or "When we were cavepeople..." Cavepeople slept with their babies, didn't schedule naps, didn't breastfeed for 10 minutes per side, didn't worry about whether baby had rolled over et cetera. So fitting in with that philosophy, I've had this romantic idea that I'll be very organic in how I introduce food to LM. No processed rice cereals or jarred foods - I'll just read his cues, let him explore food, and let nature and millions of years of evolution take their course.

So when he reached out for a piece of apple I was eating and held on, I didn't wrestle it away from him. I figured he'd suck on it a little with his as-yet-toothless gums and get used to some new flavours. But gums are stronger than I thought and he managed to bite off a piece. By the time I realised what had happened, and did the finger-sweep, it had disappeared down the gullet with much gagging and coughing. I thought he might be choking (and I'm still not entirely sure he wasn't) so I flipped him forward and began patting vigorously. He settled down and stopped but a minute later he vomited many, many times. Which is actually kind of weird considering he got hold of a piece of paper when we were in the car the other day and ate half of it, yet that didn't make him sick. But apparently apple doesn't agree with him as much as bonded eight by 11, and I had the traumatic experience of watching him throw up ounce upon ounce knowing it was my fault.

In my defence, my mother was there and encouraged him to take the apple. She felt even worse than I did. "You know I would NEVER normally do something that stupid," she said. I think she was worried I'd never leave him alone with her again. But I should have known better.

Just beforehand, I'd been telling my mother how I'm not going to do rice cereal because all that iron isn't all that well-absorbed anyway, and besides, when we were cave people no one had rice cereal.

"Well, yes" she said diplomatically, "but you can see the difference that good nutrition makes in just one generation."

And now I've remembered, cave people were really, really short. And they lived in caves. And they ate raw meat and insects. Suddenly rice cereal and jarred food isn't looking so bad.

The only bright part of the experience was realising that I was able to stay calm in the moment when I thought my precious baby, the light of my life, might be choking on something I had foolishly given him.

P.S. If you want to make me feel better, tell me something stupid that you did to your baby (or pet, or baby sitting charge et cetera).

Another Weekend

I need to buy a carseat soon. Sad but true - we have to return the infant seat we borrowed next month. Mind you, carrying a seventeen pound baby in an infant seat isn't that fun anyway, although it is fantastic for the arms.

We have a very small, very battered car that we will not be replacing particularly soon given that we are planning to throw all of our money into a home in the very near future. So I am considering the Britax Roundabout. It goes to 40lb and I think it will be small enough for our car. Our 10-year old car does not have any sort of LATCH system, but I understand that the Britaxes can be secured with just a seatbelt. I also wonder, do the 65lb seats really take up that much more room than an infant seat? Do you think that would see LM until age 3? By then we'd probably have a new car, and we hope to have a new baby, so at that stage I'd buy him one of those behemoth carseats that go to 65 lb and put new baby into the Roundabout. Just wondering, since the infant seat is reclined so you'd think it'd take up more space. Because if they do fit, then I'd just get the big one and skip the one with a 40-lb limit.

Our house hunt continues. We saw a place that was very promising although the basement absolutely reeked of dog, masked by some sort of vanilla air freshener. The combination was quite overwhelming but the house was actually very cute. D wasn't with me though, so we'll only put in an offer if it hasn't sold by next weekend.

It's interesting what different people focus on in houses. At one place, our real estate agent (who is gay) immediately pegged it as being owned by two lesbians. He spotted the rainbow-coloured umbrella and the Rosie the Riveter poster, along with the framed photo of two women. My gaydar is just not tuned in like that.

P.S. Shout-out to Michelle and adorable (I'm sure) new baby Colin!

Out of the Fog

It's funny, I feel like I'm emerging from the haze of motherhood a little these days. Something about it has gotten easier. And the other day, I woke up and wondered: "Hey, whatever happened on that litigation matter I was working on?" I remember the partner I was doing the work for saying that when she had her kid, she stopped caring completely about work for a little while, didn't follow what happened on any of her cases. I couldn't imagine it at the time, but it obviously happened to me since that case did not even cross my mind for four months, despite having worked on it for two summers. I did a search and it doesn't look like the decision has come down yet.

Then the other day I was out for an afternoon, and I didn't spend half the time thinking about him. In fact, he barely even crossed my mind. It was kind of freeing, not because I don't love him, and love spending loads of time with him, but it felt like I was getting a bit of myself back, a part of me that I didn't even realise had been on hiatus. I was just me, not mummy. And it felt kind of nice. And it felt just as nice to come home to a big old toothless grin.

Grieving

I'm mourning the loss of our house after all. It really was so cute, and the basement was so perfect for future development. Plus it had a cherry tree - I don't think I mentioned the cherry tree. The realtor called to tell me the couple that got it. I saw them at the open house. Apparently she's due in a few weeks and was just desperate to get something before baby. And it turns out we were the lowest offer of all, despite being $21,000 over asking in the end. And the people who bought it didn't even bother with any sort of inspection, which is just so idiotic on an 80-year old house in an extremely wet climate. Of course, the inspection came back fine, but it's so dumb they wouldn't do one!

I just can't believe some pregnant bitch came and stole my house with some absurd bid and now my boys and I don't get to spend the summer enjoying a sunny backyard and some homegrown fruit. I hope her baby is really ugly. And yes, I realise I just wished evil on a baby. Guess I'm going through the Kubler-Ross stages. I think I'm at anger.

Open House

I was hoping to be able to write an entry about how we'd bought a house tonight. But instead, it's an entry about how we offered $9,000 over asking, allowed ourselves to be bid up to $21,000 over asking, and still didn't get the house! Even though we had the inspection, were pre-approved and had no subjects on the offer. Tens of thousands over asking for a two bedroom bungalow... a very cute two-bedroom bungalow on a nice long lot, but a two-bedroom bungalow nonetheless.

Strangely, while I am disappointed, and stinging form having spent $500 on an inspection, I am not going to lose any sleep. The house may have been worth our highest bid, perhaps, but it certainly wasn't worth a penny more. D is more demoralised than I am. He's wondering how we'll afford anything in this climate. I think, well, there's a better place out there that's meant for us. Hopefully I'll be writing an entry about it really soon.

Solid Ground

LM has been asleep for 36 minutes and counting, which means I am seriously tempting fate by starting a blog post. If I want anything done, it needs to be started at the beginning of nap time.

House-hunting continues apace. We have two more to see tomorrow, which we're excited about. Both are in a wonderful neighbourhood. One looks ideal, but it's a little closer to a busy road than we'd like. The other is in a better location, but probably needs more work.

Ahhh. Patience makes perfect. Or something. I'm a big believer in the idea that we'll end up where we're meant to be. The substitute real estate agent (ours in on hols), who is extremely helpful and sweet, was a bit over-excited about one and mentioned how many people were going through it today. Well, if we're meant to be in it, it will wait for us because I don't want to rush over there this afternoon without D.

In other news, I'm interested in how many of my friends and peers are starting their kids on solids early.

I took a prenatal class with a six couples. I absolutely LOVED it. Some of it could be a bit overly granola-crunchy; I think we all found that. But sometimes it helps to get that perspective since we get the other perspective almost everywhere else. We had two sessions on breastfeeding, attended by mums and dads. Of the women in that class, all of them are exclusively breastfeeding, and none are planning on introducing solids early.

I was also part of another mother's group of six. None of them did a prenatal class that focussed on breastfeeding. All of them wanted and planned to exclusively breastfeed, but none have done it without medication for supply issues, or some formula supplementation. Most of them are planning to introduce solids well before six months. Obviously not scientific but it does bolster my theory that lots of "supply" issues are actually caused by misinformation and poor advice. I do add the caveat that one of those mothers could not have breastfed exclusively anyway because of breast reduction surgery, and in that respect she was given quite bad advice from the pro-BF camp, many of whom encouraged her to think that she would be able to do so. It was quite heartbreaking to realise she could not, and a lactation consultant later confessed she had never met a woman who'd undergone that surgery who could. It would have been better (and kinder) to prepare her for the fact that breastfeeding under those circumstances is going to be challenging and formula supplementatin would likely be needed. Instead she had to figure that out in that crazy hormonal immediate post-partum period as her baby failed to thrive.

In any case I will be waiting on solids. I'm sure some babies are genuinely ready before six months, but I don't think LM is one of them - his gas still wakes him crying and I am wary of throwing anything else in the mix. At least, that's what I say to the mothers and relatives who ask "why wait?" I must admit another part of it is just that it looks awfully busy... I can hardly plan meals for myself - planning them for LM just seems a lot of work.

In any case LM is up now (what... you think I actually wrote this whole post with him asleep?) and so we're off as he won't be content to suck on my arm as I type for too many more minutes.

Another Thought

After a weekend of trying to get excited about places that are well over half a mil, yet are all, in real estate speak "in need of TLC" and are in far distant parts of town, I've had another thought - the joint buy. That's right, buying a place with an in-law suite that we co-own with my mother. She'd rent out her part until she's more doddering and ready to downsize and live in it. In the meantime we'd rent it out. I'm actually pretty excited about the idea, and importantly, so is D. Oh, and of course my mother.

It will probably take longer to find the right place, but we could get a lot more. I'm not too worried about personal space - if anything, it would likely be my mother who would have to set boundaries on us. She's very sensitive to not 'intruding'. I guess the only wrinkle would be if D and I decided we didn't want to be in this city any more, or if she did. But I suppose by buying a place in the first place we are committing to being here for a while, and the way real estate is around here we'd stand to make some money even if we had to sell in five years. The demand here is so high that I don't see a crash happening - and even if there was a crash, it doesn't matter if your money is invested in a small single family home, or a larger one with a suite. So what do you think? Would you ever do it?

I'm watching the View right now while LM naps, and I just can't believe Whoopi is doing LA Weight Loss commercials. The commercials are so damn cheap looking. Speaking of naps, all my smugness about LM's sleep lately? It's gotten pretty bad again. Naps are working all right though there was a brief interlude where he stopped napping too. He was actually in a perfectly fine mood during that stint - but I almost went out of my mind - entertaining a baby for 12 hours a day is exhausting. That's improved again, but he is up SOOOO often at night. It's quite incredible. I keep reminding myself - everything is a phase!