Battle of Wills

Thanks so much for your positive comments. I think I was being a bit paranoid about them all gossiping about me. I'm a little over-sensitive after hearing two months worth of second-hand scary birth stories when we were open about doing a home birth.

Yesterday the same family member who passed on the frame advice told me for the 99th time that I wasn't dressing the baby warmly enough and that she was "terrified he was going to catch pneumonia." I had already made efforts to deal with her fears by putting a blanket over him when I carry him, even though I really don't think he's too cold at all. So on being told this again I semi-lost it and instead of nodding and then stewing about it later, I raised my voice and said "He is NOT going to catch pneumonia. You don't catch pneumonia from being cold!" Did I mention we were in a heated parking garage and headed up to a grocery store above via elevator?

Then the family member refused to buy anything at the grocery store because it was too expensive. She was only buying a breast of chicken and some greens, so while the shop was more expensive than the corner grocer, I figured the extra $2.50 was probably worth it to avoid a long detour and an extra stop, since I had to pick up something at the fancy store anyway. Apparently not. We dropped her off elsewhere to finish her shopping and dinner was then an hour late, which meant LM was yelling and overtired throughout. (We weren't at home, so couldn't put him down.) Passive-aggressive anyone?

Anyway I've been really really really good and tried not to complain or vent about D's family to him because I have a tendency to do that way too much, and to draw comparisons with my own family, which is pretty unfair since my own family drives me nuts too when I have to spend extended periods of time with them. But I did break my promise to myself about that and I vented a wee bit and we were able to laugh about it so it just seems hilarious and ridiculous instead of utterly upsetting.

And she does have many redeeming qualities - she is ultimately good-hearted. It's just hard to see them sometimes cause I'm too busy seeing red.

In good news, LM slept a whole 4 hours straight last night, which meant I did too! It was lovely. 11 p.m., 3 a.m., 6 a.m. and 9 a.m. Now that's a routine I can totally handle. I'm sure he'll growth spurt again around 6 weeks, but I feel so incredibly refreshed.

Some Positive Reinforcement Please?

When I was five or six years old, I was at a birthday party where I drew a picture of a clown for my mother and father. The clown was juggling three balls which flew around his head and I was exceedingly proud of it. I proudly showed it to the birthday girl who promptly ridiculed those balls and my clown and made me realise it was just a bad crayon drawing and in no way worthy of a spot on the fridge. Somehow my parents got the picture anyway and put it on the door to my dad's study, where it stayed for many months. Every time I passed it, I still felt like it was inadequate though - my initial pride in it never quite recovered from that pint-sized art critic's commentary.

Anyway, don't you just hate when something you show off proudly gets criticised? And you know that people you care about have been sitting around talking about what's wrong with it. I am aware that I am blowing this 1000x out of proportion, but it's been on my mind.

In the days before my LM's birth, I picked out beautiful black and white drawings for his wall. Then I made a special trip to the ninth circle of hell, also known as that ubiquitous Swedish design store to buy frames for them. I spent 45 minutes lining the pictures up exactly with a level and a tape measure - no easy feat when you are wedged between a crib and a wall with a watermelon-sized belly. I placed them high enough that they'd be out of reach of even a standing baby, but low enough that he'd be able to appreciate them.

Yesterday a family member pointedly mentioned that another family member had been to a safety conference on earthquake safety, and they had been talking about how it's really quite dangerous to have anything hanging above a crib. Basically, my lovingly placed photos could maim my child if the earth starts to move. "Something to consider..." she added nodding towards the room.

It really bothers me that the couple who attended the earthquake conference feels obliged to pass on this safety tidbit in such a roundabout way. It's one thing to say it upfront, and another to discuss it in private with another and get her to convey the message. It just bugs me to know they were all sitting around criticising my beautiful mini-nursery.

I am a pretty risk averse mama. I am so paranoid of SIDs that my baby sleeps on the hardest surface around. I bought one of those all-natural crib mattresses (although admittedly he has not yet slept in his crib). His bottle is glass so it's free of Bisphenol-A just in case all the fears about cancer are true. My newest baby carrier is one that's supposed to support the baby's back optimally for development. I never place my bouncy chair on an elevated surface and when he's in it, I move everything off adjacent tables or counters so they don't fall on him accidentally. Even his Vitamin-D drops are specifically all natural. I say all this not to demonstrate that I am some kind of superior mother, just to show that I put a lot of pressure on myself. And sometimes I just wish that instead of being reminded of the one thing I did wrong, someone would acknowledge that I'm trying really, really hard to do my best.

Besides, if the walls in this apartment move enough to shakes those pictures off the wall (they are like, ANCHORED on there), a few IKEA frames falling on him will be the least of our worries.

High-Maintenance Man

I keep wanting to write a post, but this Little Man is going through a phase where he freaks out if he is not held constantly, even when asleep. So that makes writing tough. Like just now, totally asleep on my lap, but I pull away my hand to type and he's wailing!

[5-minute reprieve]

Okay we're trying a new position and he seems to have nodded off again. The bouncy/vibrating chair does offer some relief, but even that just gives me enough time to shower OR make breakfast - not both. A friend came over this a.m. and I quickly foisted off LM to do some laundry and wax my moustache. Yes, I have facial hair and I'm not afraid to remove it.

But perhaps the dearth of posting isn't such a bad thing, since as you can see, there's isn't much going on these days anyway. When D gets home he hears my monologue about my day - the description of the poopiest diaper, the various gurgles, a wider-than-usual sleep grin.

I do try to get out each day. LM is quite good in car - he wails when we put him in but quickly nods off. But today it's rainy and shitty and since I don't have a stroller yet, or a jacket wide enough to cover the sling, we are staying inside. He's also pretty great in the sling - he really likes sleeping all curled up, which makes me think that one of those Amby-Beds would have been a pretty good investment.

I did push my outing too far one day though and he got hungry and was wailing. Since I'm not yet ready to pull out my breast on a bus, I just shushed him and bounced him, but it wasn't all that effective. Four separate people stopped to comment that he must be hungry. Um yeah, the screaming didn't clue me in. Another woman advised me to remove him from the sling, since she thought he must not like being bunched up in there. I felt like saying - him being bunched up in here is the only thing stopping him from splitting your eardrums. But I didn't - I just said "He's just hungry - he'll eat when he gets home." I admit, I kind of like the unsolicited advice from strangers when it's well-meaning and kind. But when it comes from that "You don't know what you're doing" place, or that "Shut that damn kid up" place, I have no patience for it. If you think his crying isn't as painful for me as it is for you, you're wrong.

ETA: Just dug out my Cuddly Wrap - thing is golden!!

In Which I Ask for BF Advice

Whoa - Little Man has been on an insane growth spurt today, which is kind of funny since every day is a growth spurt for him - at his last appointment dude had put on a pound in less than a week. Anyway this growth spurt pretty much consists of him nursing every half-hour. Unfortunately for him the well is dry and drained. I did take Michelle's advice and pump some off for future use when I was having my crazed leaking days, but I have no bottles yet and I wanted to put off giving him anything via bottle for a little while yet. But I guess if he keeps at it eventually my supply will rise to his demand again.

Anyway I also took the advice of Kaitlyn and another woman from my prenatal class and examined my diet and recalled that the commencement of his fussy period did coincide with me eating a whole lot of delicious cheese and purchasing a gallon of milk... so I've eliminated dairy from my diet and he seems much better. It's a bit of a blow to me though, as I adore cheese and am a rarity in that I am an adult who loves to drink tonnes of milk. Oh well, perhaps in a few months I will slowly reintroduce it slowly when his gut is a bit more mature.

As for overactive letdown, I'm pretty sure I have that too... at least he does choke and sputter sometimes when he gets on for a feed, and I've accidentally sprayed him in the face a few times. I've been blockfeeding him (e.g. one side per feed) as I read that helps; actually I was already doing that anyway before I knew it had a name or anything, as it just seemed to be the way to go. But is there anything else to help it?

Anyway I wish I had more to say but Little Man summons me for yet another feed - it has after all been 35 minutes. I bought myself some Sex and the City DVDs so I am at least entertaining myself during these frequent meals.

A Very Sad Story

I already posted about this earlier, but I did want to share the plight of fellow blogger LagLiv. I started reading her blog after Googling for other pregnant law students one day. She was a second-year student pregnant with her first child, and due a few weeks before I was. Her son was born one month early and had a rather rocky start in the intensive care unit. He subsequently developed a very severe form of acid reflux which caused him to be in severe pain, sometimes crying for eight hours a day. LagLiv visited the ER several times in an effort to get proper help for him, but because he had often recovered by the time they got there, there were a lot of delays in getting him help.

On a recent visit to the ER, when he was in severe distress, she mentioned a popping noise in his chest. X-rays were done and it was found that the baby's ribs were broken. The baby was admitted to hospital and LagLiv and her husband were then investigated on charges on child abuse.

While the police dropped the charges after they both passed lie detector tests, the Department of Child and Family Services has continued their investigation. The doctors responsible for advising Child Protective Services never consulted with Landon's own pediatrician, nor did they spend much time talking to the family. They also wavered back and forth on whether the baby would be allowed home with them or not. However after a week of back and forth, they have placed the baby in foster care. There are other possible causes of rib injuries, however DCFS has focussed on this one. In a very sad twist, the fractures would likely have gone undetected if not for his mother's diligence.

The whole saga (the latest post is here) is so sad and unbelievable. The thought of someone taking a baby from its mother hits me right in the gut.

I'm sure any message of support would be appreciated at this time. Or, for those who are able, someone has set up a fund to try and help LagLiv and her husband who will be on the hook for a lot of legal costs, as well as medical bills which insurance will not cover. Paypal donations could be send to lagliv@gmail.com.

New Challenges

The first couple of weeks seemed so easy. We did figure out diaper time - a blow dryer! The white noise completely chills him out and on low heat it dries him right off.

But now the new challenge is the screaming. In the first few weeks if we responded to his cues in time, he rarely cried, even when throwing up a bellyful of milk. But for the past several days he has cried straight for about two hours every night, just before our collective bedtime. We've tried putting him to bed earlier or later, and encouraging him to sleep more or less in the period preceding. But the screaming continues, and D and I pass him off between each other while bickering about which of us needs the sleep more, D who gets up at 5 for work, or me who hasn't had more than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep since the birth day. Unfortunately the crying happens at a time when we are all sort of tired and cranky. There's no consistent pattern to what gets him to eventually nod off, could be shushing, feeding, burping etc.

I guess the one thing that keeps us sort of sane is remembering that he does have a reason - who knows, maybe he has a headache? Maybe he's scared? And D reminds me "the fussy ones are the bright ones!"

Also, while he used to be content to hang out in his bassinette for naps during the day, he now will not sleep unless he is held. I actually napped with him in a sling today, a rather acrobatic feat. He's snuggled up in there right now, his little hands curled up over his mouth, snoring away.

A first child really is wondrous thing - I can devote all my time and attention to figuring out what his needs are. I just can't picture how it works when you have more than one!

Anyhow, LM stirs, so I must go.

Today I Am Thankful For

First and foremost, my healthy and beautiful son. Motherhood is the hardest and the easiest thing ever. So much of it is so basic, so filled with unconditional love that it's easy to do; the hard part is hoping and wishing and trying your best at some of the mysterious parts - the unexplained cries, the 4 a.m. freak-outs. Adventures with Little Man make we want 10 children, but if this is the only chance fate grants me, I know I am exceedingly blessed.

My partner, D, without whom I would be only half of a whole; parenthood is one challenge it is fun to face together, and as with so many other parts of our relationship, I think we have some complementary skills. And we have lots of faith in each other, despite mutual moments of self-doubt and an undoubted diminishment of 'us' time.

My wacky and wonderful family who have showered us with support and love.

The beautiful city and country that I live in where I have security and resources that most of the world does not.

Tough Time

Today was my first day as a stay-at-home-mother, sans D. It went really well, and I am so glad to be able to have this time, although I do feel (more than) a tad guilty that my dear D has to work so hard for us.

But I don't want to talk about me today, since fellow law student and new mother Lag Liv has been going through an incredibly tough time in the past few days, so I hope some of you might send some good vibes to her.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians.

A Few Late Night Complaints

What was I saying about sleep schedules not being too hard? Little Man has now been up for two and a half hours, and he is still alert! I've tried rocking, feeding, rocking, feeding, changing, getting D to soothe him, letting him chill out, rocking again, sleeping with him next to me and am now just hanging out on the sofa surfing the 'net as he squirms next to me.

Also? He HATES getting his diaper changed and screams bloody murder every time we start to undress him. I guess he hates being cold, but the apartment is warm, and I don't see how else to do it. Any tips? He also hates getting undressed for the bath, but doesn't mind being in it. Still it's such a production, we have only done it twice. Unfortunately, the diaper needs to be changed somewhat more regularly than that.

Also? I bought a really cute cloth diaper from a craftswoman online, and I hate to say it, but it's terrible. All the padding is at the bottom, so it's really not good for a boy, and when I washed it the first time it shrivelled and got really small. On top of all that it felt damp on the outside the first time I used it. It was the last in the stash tonight, so I tried to put it on and got so frustrated I just threw it away. Luckily the dryer buzzed "finished" right then, so LM got a fresh and toasty one. The seller was so helpful and sweet, I kind of feel like I should let her know, so she can improve her product. But I probably won't cause I'm chicken-shit like that. Still, doesn't it suck when you really want to like a product but you can't? Back to mass-produced diaps for me.

Also? One of my breasts is leaking like crazy and he's not hungry! Does the leaking eventually tone itself down or am I bound to sleep in a bra for the foreseeable future? Because I am really not a bra girl... this is the first time I have ever ventured out of the teen section, and real bras are not comfy! I am chafing.

Also? D goes back to work Friday. He is really quite sad about it and so am I.

On Sleep and Other Things

There are a few things that people told me before I had a baby that I didn't fully understand - like how much I would love Little Man, or how sort of labour-intensive it is looking after a little baby. It's true he doesn't do a whole lot, but the few things he does need - mostly feeding, burping and cuddling, take up way more time than one would think. And when he is quiet for a nice long stretch, I have to keep checking on him!

Then there are the things no one tells you - like what the pain of labour feels like, how worrisome the tiny things that are that can happen to a newborn, and how different colours of poop become discussion topics between you and your partner. But maybe those are things I wouldn't have believed even if I'd been told.

On the list of things I wish someone had told me: breastmilk stains! I wore a couple of t-shirts to sleep in, comfy, favourite t-shirts, and taking them out of the wash, I see that they still have the telltale rings on the chest from late night leakage or something. So note to others who may still be looking ahead to this adventure - wear that nursing bra to sleep in!

As for Little Man, things are going really well. His cheeks are getting fat. D and I are figuring out how much we can get done in a day, and mostly we are just enjoying him immensely. Most people complain or commiserate about the sleep deprivation aspect of this age, but so far that has not been too major an issue. There have been a couple of nights where he just doesn't want to seem to settle down, but most nights he wakes, mewls a little bit, I feed him, burp him, feed him again, and he settles back in for the night. I have him next to my bed, so I don't even have to get up, and I stay in bed the next morning until 9 or 10. I figure this way I'm still getting my needed 7 or 8 hours, even on the nights when he's particularly alert. If he's really fussy, I might wake D to change him, or wrap him, or just to take over for a bit, but mostly I just handle the nighttime and D is on daytime duty.

I have a friend who passed me copies of the Baby Whisperer and has asked me whether LM is sleeping well yet. I don't really anticipate him sleeping for long stretches for a while, and in fact, the midwives told me to wake him if he goes more than 4 hours. But it's funny how there's this pressure. I don't want to admit our bedtime routine because I know she'd think we're spoiling him by having him in our room (and occasionally in our bed), even though it's the routine that absolutely works best for us and I am much more well-rested than I'd be if I had to get up and go into another room every time he fussed (not to mention, I'd probably wake to check on him, just cause I am a bit anxious.)

I just remember her telling me how "Eat-Activity-Sleep-You Time" (the routine suggested by the Whisperer) works for ALL babies. But funnily enough, it doesn't work for us because LM is quite a prodigious vomiter and if he gets too jostled or moved after a feed (i.e. if we do an "activity" like a diaper change) all my hard work ends up on a receiving blanket, or on me, or in his bassinette. So it's more like Eat-Sleep-Me Time-Eat-Sleep-Burp-Sleep-Activity-Eat-etc. and that's working out just fine.