Singing the Blues

Motherhood really is so much more than I imagined. I never would have guessed the intensity of feelings I have for Little Man. I was calling him Baby A for a while, but I think now he will be known as LM for Little Man, because that is what D calls him constantly. And he does have that wizened newborn look, like a very old soul in a very small body. He furrows his brows in the most adorable way, or sometimes his eyebrows rise up as though he's discovered something truly amazing while sleeping. He gets these amazing sleep grins, though they occasionally turn into frowns, which are even sweeter. He also has hair, which for some reason I knew he would, even though both D and I were completely bald babies. I love that he has a little bit of hair.

I have had a bit of baby blues. I kind of anticipated that I would because I tend to be an emotional person, and long-times readers will know of my battles with anxiety et cetera. Mostly it happens in the evening when I am tired and he is being adorable. I just well up and cry with the intensity of feelings. I worry about something happening to him; I can't imagine how I'd go on! Strangely I also worry about something happening to me. Why would my adorable little baby do without his mama? Does this sound crazy?

And there is a sense of sadness that so many joyful moments, so long anticipated have now arrived. The birth was so intense and amazing, and now it's over. My care by my amazing midwives is winding down (well, I see them for another 5 weeks, but still.) I can't quite picture how the next year will be, being at home with him. Will I be lonely? I have few friends (read: one) with babies. Also, I worry about how it will be going back to work. How could I possibly leave him? And I can't believe the days that have already passed - have I savoured these moments enough? Time already seems to be racing past! I only have 11 months left at home!

The blues do seem to be getting better, having peaked on Day 4 or 5, when I think the hormones were just bottoming out. Maybe stability is coming back. I need to remind myself that the best is just beginning and that there are many, many incredibly loving and joyful moments up ahead. And there's a squirming little worm lying next to me right here to prove it.

Birth

So sorry for lack of updates! Blogger was acting super-weird for the past few days and hasn't let me publish a thing. It seems to be up and running again now, so I will grab a rare moment.

Our birth was amazing. I went into labour as I wrote to you all. I read for a while, wrote a letter. I finally woke D two hours later as the pains were more frequent. We went for a walk - I was determined to be in a position to call the midwives when we got back, that is to have contractions that were five minutes apart and one minute long. On the walk they got 2-3 minutes apart but were still 30 or 45 seconds long.

I came back home and we called our doula, as there was a fair amount of blood and the "Birth Partner" book was pretty frightening about what that meant. Our doula assured us it was normal and got ready to come over. A little while later, my contractions were a minute long, and D called the midwife. She was at another birth, so she sounded a bit anxious. But the midwife coming on call the next morning was able to come so she arrived at the same time as the doula.

When they arrived they watched and waited a bit. The doula took over and D was able to get our place ready. The midwife offered an exam and it turned out I was 10 cm dilated!

I was positive for a bacteria called Group B Strep, which is very common, but in very rare situations can cause serious issues in newborns. I was still deciding whether or not to treat only if risk factors presented themselves (i.e. if my water was broken for a long time), or to treat with antibiotics regardless. woops moving to one-handed typing as baby nurses. but since the antibiotics have to be in your system for 4, or preferable 8 hours before birth, it became an impossibility to treat, since baby was only a couple of hours away. thankfully, my water was still not broken, and in fact broke only 1/2 an hour or so before birth.

At that point i got in the bath, which was great; Our doula and D had been careful to keep me hydrated, so after a while in the tub, everyone thought it might be a good idea if I peed. I moved to the toilet where my water finally broke, and just sat there for a while, biting down on a towel as I had more and more contractions. Someone suggested I feel for the head and I reached down and there it was. That gave me lots of incentive to push and bear down, though I will say the pushing is almost involuntary. My whole body was in eject mode, and I was throwing up and pushing. But I did bear down a lot. The midwife suggested I get back in the bath, which I did. Not 5 minutes later, his head was born; then another few minutes passed and I pushed again and his body was born.

They passed him to me through the water, grey and slithering, with a long head and the bluest little hands. I have to say, I knew he would look odd, but it was almost as if someone was handing me a completely different baby. But I just wanted to hold him so close. He didn't breathe immediately, but after a while, he took out a great yell and kept doing that. The midwives said he was "very passionate!"

I was really expecting quite a bit of direction, and coaching through labour. But the midwife who arrived was really laidback, and just watched, listened, answered questions and made the odd suggestion. Now I realise that's exactly what worked best for us, and I'm so happy it was that way. Basically it implied to me that everything I was doing was right, and it gave me the confidence to keep going. Our doula was seamless, at times I didn't even know if it was her or D pushing on my back or squeezing my hand.

Did it hurt? Yeah - a lot. At times I was thinking "we are only having one child" or "I wish I'd had a cesarean." But 20 minutes later, all the pain seemed a distant memory and I was high as a kite and full of energy and life.

We are now coming down off the high, and off a slew of visitors, and are preparing to cocoon for a few days and turn off the ringer on the phone.

brief update

Thanks so much for all your thoughts! i am typing this one-handed as baby A nurses. I really will post the full story soon as it was quite the experience. we've had loads of visitors but hopefully that will calm now the weekend is over and we'll have some time.

All i can say is those braxton-hicks prelabour contractions did their work as i was ten centimetres dilated by the time the midwife/doula arrived friday a.m. no one was more surprised than moi... the midwives were all, 'are you sure this is your FIRST baby?'

i'm doing great - no tearing at all, so just a little tender. hormones are definitely crashing down so ive had a pms-like headache all day, but i think that will fade soon.

more soon, i promise!

brief update

Thanks so much for all your thoughts! i am typing this one-handed as baby A nurses. I really will post the full story soon as it was quite the experience. we've had loads of visitors but hopefully that will calm now the weekend is over and we'll have some time.

All i can say is those braxton-hicks prelabour contractions did their work as i was ten centimetres dilated by the time the midwife/doula arrived friday a.m. no one was more surprised than moi... the midwives were all, 'are you sure this is your FIRST baby?'

i'm doing great - no tearing at all, so just a little tender. hormones are definitely crashing down so ive had a pms-like headache all day, but i think that will fade soon.

more soon, i promise!

Done.

Our baby boy was born this morning. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it couldn't have gone better. It took a while to realise that this little boy is the same person I've grown inside me for the last nine months, but as each moment goes I fall more and more in love, and realise that I've known him for a long, long time.

As Promised

Think I'm in labour. It hurts quite a bit. Am going for a walk, then will call doula, possibly midwife. Last two hours have been mild, but is suddenly getting very intense. Water broken?

T-Minus, Er, Plus a Few Days

Well I am still here! I know it that almost everyone goes past their due date, but I really didn't think that everyone included me! I am such a hypocrite, I know.

So far we've tried sex, nipple stimulation and long walks. I even thought about some blue cohosh, but I feel iffy about doing that since there's really no need yet. So I think I will wait on that and talk about it with the midwife next week.

I am trying to keep myself busy, and went for a nice long walk at the beach today. I probably wouldn't be as anxious as I am except that I was sort of hoping that the midwife who did our home visit would be the one to do our birth, as we had a long chance to talk and D was very comfortable with her. Plus, she said such nice things about him at our last appointment! She's on call this week. But the others will be awesome too, so really it's not a big deal, especially as we have our doula who we are both super-comfortable with.

The other mildly annoying thing is that I feel like I'm in prelabour. I've been having crazy Braxton-Hicks for two days, but they don't go anywhere.

We've told everyone that the baby is now not expected before the weekend, so hopefully that holds off the phone calls.

In Which I Demonstrate My Boredom

One of the mildly irritating things about Blogger is that if you type in your password wrong, it gives you the gulp-inducing message that the e-mail address/username doesn't exist and suddenly you wonder if all those posts have faded into oblivion. Thankfully it doesn't give me the heart attack it used to, but it's still kind of a bizarre error message. What are they trying to say? Doesn't exist in our system? Doesn't exist at all even though the e-mail address is hosted elsewhere and therefore Blogger has no way of knowing if it exists or not? What is existence of an e-mail address anyway? Does it only exist if it's valid? Anyway, since I am a terrible typer I get this message at least once a week and it bothers me.

Another irritating thing in my life these days: telemarketers. My sleep has not been the greatest, so if I'm up half the night I do enjoy my lie-in until 10:30 or so, and yet some of these telemarketers are calling me at 9:50. How annoying is that? My stupid phone doesn't seem to have an option to turn the ringer off, so I have to unplug it completely, which is a mild pain. But even the somewhat more reasonable 12:30 calls are really going to piss me off in a few weeks.

The weekend was good - just hung out and played Scrabble and watched episodes of HBO on TV. Last night I was sure things were happening as I was having all sorts of cervical twinges and twitches, but today it's very still down there. So I guess I am going to be one of those mamas who goes past her due date. I need to think up some activities for this week as now that D (and everyone else I know) is back at work after the weekend, I am bored out of my skull.

Suggestions welcome! I've been doing some tourist spots, but I may have to hit up some more. Another project for today is putting the kibosh on the in-laws' daily phone calls regarding my status. I do appreciate their interest, but it's kind of stressing me out - mainly if I am labouring at home, I don't really want to be fielding calls.

Still here, still pregnant

Was kind of hoping I would go today as it is a family member's birthday, but no such luck. Am trying to resign myself for the long haul, but I do get a little jealous reading about mothers who had later due dates and have already had their babies. Doesn't seem quite fair. Then again, I'm sure in a few weeks it'll all be a blur anyway and a few days here or there won't matter. I will try to have a good last (hopefully) weekend and savour our last few moments as a couple. I'm not even quite at my due date, so I could have a while.

However, I do promise to try and log in and let you know once things start going for certain.

Ready

Okay, my minor panic has passed and now I am ready to have this baby. I've started telling him or her every day that we are ready for the arrival! I have done some of the major things I wanted to do, the nursery is finished and I'm ready to take the next step. I feel this pressure in my groin area so I think the baby is moving lower and lower.

I really hope I am not one of those first-time mothers who goes seriously overdue because I think I might go insane. Being at home when everyone is at work and you're too tired or lazy to want to do much is really boring. So we are now in countdown mode folks; send me labour vibes.

Yay for maternity leave. I have a few errands to keep me busy every day. Today was cat to the vet day, and "thank you" cards in the post day.

I wanted it to be clean-up day, as I can see a lot of dust under the sofa but I'm not feeling particularly energetic or nesting-ish, so maybe that will be tomorrow.

I've got terrible insomnia these days. Sleeping has never been a problem of mine, but last night I went to bed at 10:30 and was still awake at 12. So I got up and fooled around on the 'net for an hour before going back to bed. Then I lay awake for another hour, so I got up and had a bath and finally got to sleep only to have to wake up five hours later. I realise this isn't exactly a hardship compared to what I've got coming in the next few months, but boo!

Cold Shower

I am going to have a baby this month. Kind of blows my mind.

I am really going to miss my midwives' care. Appointments are long, and detailed, and I can take along family, doulas etc. Everything is explained and I am often there for 45 minutes just talking things through - although sometimes I have no questions and my visits are much shorter.

I had to go to my GP recently, and although she is a very nice person, it was just a bit of a cold shower after the great care I've been getting. For one, I was told I had to pee in a cup by the receptionist, which makes no sense, since I am under someone else's care, and they are the ones who test my pee. I was never told what for, or what they saw. At the midwife, they go over every test result, often showing the form that came back from the lab.

Then everything was rushed, and my GP didn't really seem to understand what I was asking for. (I wanted a prescription so that IV antibiotics for Group B Strep can be given to me at home during labour by the midwives.) She gave me some info that isn't entirely correct without really exploring with me why I was asking what I was. I didn't push her on it, so I basically wasted an hour of my day since I left without the 'script. She did offer to talk to my midwife about the request, which was nice, but I haven't heard anything since.

Anyway all this to say, I have a great GP, but the level of care I've been getting at the midwife makes me realise how broken the family medicine system can be. I am lucky to have a GP at all, so I know I shouldn't complain too much. And she has in the past been great about many things, and very sympathetic, so I don't mean to bash her.

It's interesting - as a lawyer we are taught that we present our client with their options, the benefits of each, but ultimately the choice is up to them. We tell them the law, and ways to proceed, but we don't make decisions for them. The midwife is the same way - she presents the options, gives the background information, but ultimately each and every choice is your own, though of course guidance and advice is given. But lots of times doctors don't have time to discuss the pros and cons of various options with you, nor do they give you the benefit of thinking that you might actually know a fair bit yourself. They just give you one possible solution, and if you don't like it, then you're stuck. Not all doctors are like this, I know... but most of the ones I've dealt with are - and I've seen a lot of doctors in my lifetime, especially in the past five years, and I also have a couple in my family, so I feel quite confident in saying that.

Anyway, I have a feeling that there will be many tears shed on the day of my last midwife visit, which is six weeks after birth. If I have this many questions as a pregnant woman, imagine how many I'll have when I'm a new mother. I wish I knew I was going somewhere where I'd be treated as I am at the midwife's.