Who Me?

I woke up this morning in a bit of a panic. In just a few weeks, maybe sooner, my whole life will be completely different. I will no longer be solely responsible to myself. I will no longer just be able to pick and move to a different country on a whim, or quit my job to backpack across Europe, or skydive. I can't get wasted at a friend's cottage party and puke on the steps. I know that I could technically do those things, but in every decision I make I will keep in mind the needs and desires and general well-being of another person - a person who needs me not to be in another country, or falling out of the sky.

In some ways it's sort of silly to get worked up about, because I have no desire to sky dive anyway. But what about the small stuff? Just the basics of making a dentist appointment or going to the store will be complicated by someone else's schedule. I will no longer be able to indulge in my secret single behaviour when D goes out of town, where I hang out naked and skip dinner to eat brownie mix. There will be someone depending on me. Yes, D depends on me, as do a few other people - but those people are fully functioning adults. This little person won't just depend on me - she or he will be dependent on me. That's more than a semantic difference.

I'm sure that feeling this is normal. I'm not beating myself up about it - after all, sometimes you just need to take a moment to realise the magnitude of where your life is going. It sounds stupid, but it's the first time I've really even thought about it. I've spent so much time worrying over small and ridiculous risks related to pregnancy and parenthood, ignoring the obvious: my whole life is going to change.

I still remember asking my mother a question once when I was about four. She didn't know the answer and said so. I said "How can you not know? You're a grown-up!" I'm about to be someone else's grown-up. But I'm still just a kid!

Absentmindedness

Sometimes, I have these moments where I just forget that I am enormously pregnant. It happened a few weeks ago when I made a running jump to be on D's back and the force of my belly propelled me backwards.

"What were you thinking?" he asked. "I didn't know whether to move out of the way or not!"

It happened yesterday when I noticed my reflection in a bank window and noticed "Ohmygod! I'm huge!" It happened again today when I pulled out a pair of pants to wear - a pair of pants that were tight at the best of times before. Woops. Yes, there's a wee bit of denial going on methinks.

I have the full on pregnant waddle going on. Whenever I notice it I try to stop, but my back and hips are doing all kinds of weird things. But while a few weeks ago everyone was commenting on how enormous I am, now I'm getting the "you're still so small!" thing. People are funny.

Just Lazy

Ha ha - sorry to those who thought I might be in labour. Sadly, I am just lazy.

However, I am getting close to term. So very soon, I will be in my "due month" and baby could come at any time. The other day I really thought that I might be going into labour - I started having intense Braxton Hicks that were achey, like menstrual cramps. All I could think of is what a disaster our place was! So I came home and started doing loads of laundry. But lucky for me, everything tapered off. But I think it was just the baby dropping lower into my pelvis.

I am fully expecting this baby to be quite late since my mother was late with all three of us. So it's tricky coordinating when people should come to visit. The possibility of lateness is very hard for D's parents to understand as they are dead certain that they will induce us if we go overdue. Sometimes it's just too hard to try and explain. My family is easier, and I'm sure a big of part that is just that no one on that side has had a baby in 25 years. So there is no one to offer their "expertise." In my mother's day they let you go a month overdue if you had to so she figures it's still that way.

Quickies

I want to write an entry, but realise I really have nothing to say...

After my vent - and I thank you for your support, there was yet another jab at it. This time I was told that almost no first time mothers are successful at home birth anyway since first labours are often so long. Which is weird, because almost everyone I know of who's planned one (admittedly, not that many people) did it as a first time mother. It's hard to engage because most of the comments are made in passing, so I just ignore, and then I'm mad at myself afterwards for not sticking up for myself.

I had strange dreams last night; in one I had triplets, and I wanted to nurse them, but was too busy so I kept forgetting. When I did remember I had this breast pump and I would strap it on and it would just fill with milk in seconds. But for some reason I only owned two bottles, not three, so one child kept getting neglected.

A wee vent

Life is good - pregnancy is good - work is good.

Baby is growing exactly as it should.

Hey, that rhymes.

I've vented about this before, but I find it really irritating how eager people are to tell us what a bad idea home birth is. Yes home birth is a bad idea in some situations - like for my friend who wasn't able to have one because of a clotting disorder. And I'm not sure I would be as comfy with it if I didn't live 15 minutes from a hospital that is very accustomed to working with home birth midwives in the case of transfer. But how dumb do these people think we are? Do they think we are unknowingly putting our health and our baby's health at risk to satisfy some whim? I've read the studies about the safety and not just articles about the studies, but the actual studies (including a study at the hospital where I am pre-registered). And I feel like for us it's the right choice.

I would never dream of criticising someone for choosing an epidural, or a cesarean. Those are personal choices, and I would never judge someone for saying they need pain relief - pain tolerance is a very personal thing. Who know, maybe I will decide I need it. So why should they judge me (us) and my (our) choices? And what these people don't seem to realise is that while yes, there are some benefits to being in the hospital, there are some benefits to being at home as well.

Anyway, I'm getting over it. D joked that we should invite the naysayers over for a meal of placenta afterwards... which you have to admit would be quite amusing. Unfortunately, I fear we do not have enough freezer space for it.

Office Talk

Well after a very brief weekend away, a weekend spent lazing by a pool and sleeping tons, I am back at work. I am actually quite enjoying being there, which is good. I wasn't sure how I'd feel going back. Also, I wasn't sure what the reaction would be to me given that I am there for such a short time. But I have been busy and as long as I am busy I am happy.

It's definitely nice to have summered there and to be familiar with it. It all comes back quickly - the protocols on PDFing documents, the various software tools, the network bugaboos, the office personalities. It feels very familiar walking around there, as I guess it should. But it really feels like I never left. It's nice to know that I enjoy it even being so preoccupied with baby, because hopefully it means that when I go back in a year (and am doubtless even MORE preoccupied with baby) it will go well.

In my rare non-busy moments I am researching daycares and realising that we have to put ourselves on some waitlists; I keep saying that but never seem to get it done. We even have to pay non-refundable deposits for the privilege of being on such waitlists. The childcare system in this city is absolutely, horrifically brutal. We may end up paying for a nanny, which means that I will essentially be working for the sake of itself, with very little left to take home. Oh well, we shall manage. D just got a raise, so that should cover, oh 8 weeks of daycare. I will think positively and visualise us getting good childcare.

Speaking of which, I have found that visualisation/positive thinking is actually a really cool tool. I've been scanning "The Secret" lately, although it is totally not my kind of book. The other day I accidentally broke the stem of my orchid (they take forever to grow back), but I just believed it would heal - and oddly, it has! I've been trying it in other contexts too, and more often than not, if I really believe it, it does happen. Anyway, that's my new age thought of the day. Back to regular programming.