Facebook dilemmas

Facebook! I was totally addicted for a few days, but I'm starting to realise why it really is the devil. It was so great to touch base with a whole bunch of random people I haven't seen in a while, but then after a few days you realise how much do I want random strangers from my past to actually know about me?

So anyway, here are my Facebook dilemmas. I hope you can help.

1. About 10 weeks ago, my friend broke up with her long-term boyfriend. It was a pretty cold thing where he walked in and announced that while he loved her, he didn't ever want to marry her. They'd been together a few years and had lived together for part of that time. He left that night and despite the fact she tried to contact him a couple of times, he hasn't spoken to her since. She was obviously devastated... she is a great, funny, cute and smart girl who did a TONNE for him. She had booked an amazing weekend for two that they were scheduled to leave on when he dropped the bomb.

He was also a great guy - I really liked him and I can't hold the break-up against him, though perhaps it could have been handled a bit better. But my loyalty is to my friend, who I've known for 18 years. There's no question that he and I have any relationship beyond that.

Then a few days ago he sent me Facebook message, written very formally just to say hi and congratulations. It was a nice message and I wrote a brief reply just so he'd know I don't hate him. But it was weird. He's never contacted me before - probably doesn't even have my e-mail address, but I'm searchable on Facebook. I know part of him wants me to tell her that he did - so maybe some part of her thinks he's not a giant assh*le (not very articulate, but then post-break-up anger generally isn't.) Do I tell her he e-mailed me? Or does that send her into another spiral of overanalysis, wondering if he's having second thoughts? If I don't tell her, will she find out later (maybe he is having second thoughts!) and be mad that I didn't say anything?

Facebook Dilemma 2: A girl I went to high school with, a few grades above me, got in touch with me when she moved to my old town. I didn't remember her at all from high school, but had a few drinks with her since she was working at the same place as I am. Since I left that city three years ago, I've never contacted her. A few months ago she adds me once Facebook. We exchange a few wall messages and all is well.

A few days ago she writes that she's coming into town and wants to get together. I know I added you on FB, but we're not friends! I don't really have anything to tell her about. I didn't know her well to begin with and don't really know her now. I'm also incredibly busy these days what with the bar course, and I just don't feel like taking time out to see her. She's here for quite a while, so it doesn't sound plausible to say that I'm out of town for 3 weeks. I thought about lying, but my FB status might betray me! I know this sounds pretty obnoxious, and it's not that I don't like meeting people or hanging out, or making new friends. I do - and I have been making quite a bit of effort since I finished school to cultivate some of the friendships I've started - I have plans with three different sets of people this week. But this isn't about that - I just don't see myself enjoying the get-together. What do I do?

Getting accustomed to sleep deprivation

So much to do, so little time. The bar course has begun - it's quite interesting. Lots of guest speakers. One thing you can say about lawyers, is that they tend to be good oralists.

But it is a lot of work. We have all sorts of assignments to do, in-class and out. I am at school from 9 until 2 or 3 and then have several hours of reading to do when I get home. That's why I'm still up!

The days are warmer now, but I am not spending a lot of time outside. Need to do more of that, going for a delicious walk every day.

Anyway this will be brief as I really must get to bed, but I did want to say a big congratulations to Michelle! She's back and she's pregnant!

And thanks for all your comments on the last post... I did light a candle for Sarah and Derek.

Que Sarah

This entry makes me very, very sad. I've been reading Sarah's blog for quite a while now, and have been inspired by her strength and optimism in the face of something really frightening. Now I'm just so sad for her husband - I can't imagine how hard that would be.

Anyway, as someone who has lost a few family members in my time, I know that it's always aggravating when other people try and pull any meaning out of something terrible and unfair. But this does remind me to stop and inhale and appreciate.

May Weekend

Have been MIA, enjoying a week of relative peace and quiet before I start my bar course tomorrow! Agh! Funny how whenever I have free time, I write less.

We had an amazing long weekend staying at a little B&B out of town - a little "babymoon" before I get too big and unwieldy. The b&b had an enormous soaker tub, which I love. I had three long, delicious baths. We spent much time outside on the water and hitchhiked around the countryside, a very accepted practice in those parts. We ate early and fell asleep very tired.

The owner of the inn was a sweet and delightful woman and told us what a lucky baby we have to have such nice parents. Awww... D pored over baby books and read me aloud tips from a book for Dads that I got him (one of the few I've found that isn't written as if men are complete imbeciles, but very heavy on sports metaphors.)

Now I am pleasantly tired and getting ready to eat some stew before an early bedtime.

Lesson Learned

So I had my bath and was much more relaxed and rational. I had spent the day ripping the apartment apart in order to rearrange furniture, only to find my loveseat was an inch too long to fit where it needed to, and that 1-800-got-j*nk charges a whopping $108 to take away one measly thing (a trunk left by the previous owners). That service really has to be the biggest racket ever as they charge you to take it away then make money selling it. Moral - it's cheaper to rent a van and go to the dump. Grrrr... But after my bath I was able to have a much more rational conversation with poor D about what to do. He finds me being upset very upsetting, but even in my very raw state I was able to assure him he should pay me no mind as it really was purely hormone-induced.

I fell asleep feeling much more sane, but I woke up this morning still feeling completely nutsoid. Strangely, as I really am quite happy, but a friend called and asked how I was and I nearly burst into tears. "Are you doing self-care?" she asked. "Massages and so on?" I did have a massage booked, but after that conversation I decided to do a whole day of self-care rather than rearrange the kitchen, and so got back into bed (I had already slept 10 hours the ight before) and slept for a whopping four more hours.

So that was a good lesson, as I was so cranky and fatigued but I thought I couldn't possibly be tired given all the sleep I'm getting. I forgot that my body really is doing weird and wonderful things right now and regular rules don't apply. I felt so refreshed and blissful finally waking up at 3:30. I will try to remember that postpartum as I am sure hormones will kick in full force then as well - I will work something out, maybe even get my mother to come over for two hours a day so I can have a few hours nap (hm... yes I realise this might all be wildly optimistic.)

hormonal

Well, I think I am over my sticker shock with regards to grades, but have hit another weird preggo, can't stop crying patch. There's nothing in particular I'm sad about, but the tears keep rolling. I have been depressed before and don't feel that way now at all. I just feel like a cranky, tired, two-year old. It's no fun.

But I just went to a "Healthy Pregnancy" class where they assured me hot baths are quite safe. (It's one of those weird things people start warning you against when you're with child.) Not that I'd been depriving myself anyway, but it's an awfully good excuse to just melt some hormones away.

crappy endings

Argh - my friend sent an e-mail informing us of a way to check our grades, which are not officially posted yet. I actually had purposely not bothered to find out when they would be posted, because I really didn't want to check them. But after I got the e-mail I couldn't help it.

Know how I said I bombed that exam? Turns out I really did bomb it. I thought I was being a bit hyperbolic, but I wasn't. I'm pretty irritated actually, and surprisingly upset. I didn't fail, but it was my lowest mark ever, and from a prof I truly did like. It just seems so monumentally unfair to get a completely crap mark after all I went through this semester:
-picking up the slack on the moot, mooting even though I didn't want to
-being sick and tired constantly with migraines, morning sickness, a horrible flu, a cough that never ended, and of course the ubiquitous first trimester flat-on-my-back fatigue
-having a borderline UTI during the exam, but not wanting to defer because it would mean graduating late and throwing everything off, including my bar course
-school full time plus working 15 hours a week at two different jobs in an attempt to qualify for maternity benefits by September

I know those factors don't count for anything, but it just seems like they should. And what sucks is, it totally doesn't represent my knowledge on the subject. I did leave the reading until the last minute, but I did it all. I wrote a great outline. I explained concepts to others. But I got completely buggered because the exam was a race against the clock. I understand why I got the mark I did, but I also know I understand the material much better than my mark reflects. Anyway, I am hating the exam, the course, the prof, pretty much everything. I admit it, I'm shedding some tears.

At the end of the day, does it really matter? No. I'm done. But it's just a shite way to finish off everything. If I didn't have grad school on the brain, none of this would matter. It also likely affects an award I applied for, but then maybe I didn't have much of a shot at that anyway. And grad school may be off the radar anyway, because, well, I'm having a kid. Life is going in a different direction, one that may not be conducive to another few years of schooling. I'm okay with that. But it doesn't prevent me from feeling horribly disappointed in the stupid mark.

Hopefully venting here (and on RateMyProfs - naturally) helps me get over it. Tomorrow, after all, is another day.

In Between Time

Wow - I've been done law school for almost five days. Pretty insane. It hasn't really sunk in yet, perhaps because I'm working part-time and doing loads of errands. I think it will really only hit me when September rolls around and I'm not headed to the bookstore to buy tonnes of books, or loading up on my back-to-school wardrobe. But then September will have another fine project, which will be nice. When I worked for four years, I always remember September as being a let-down - it felt like something should change, but it didn't. So it will be nice to have something happening.

It's nice to be past the halfway way mark in the pregnancy. A lot of my worrying has eased. I feel the little one fairly regularly now - pretty much every day, though some days are a lot quieter than others. There's something comforting about being only a few weeks away from potential viability, even though I know that babies born so early rarely survive and even if they do, often have terrible problems. But it feels nice to know they'd be able to try to help, and I think the worst part of having the miscarriage was just the helplessness of it - it just sort of happens and they can't do anything to stop it. I wouldn't say the miscarriage weighs on my mind in other ways though - was just a rite of passage I had to go through, albeit a sucky one.

Anyway this is my first free weekend and I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. We went out this morning, but now I just want to be at home and rest - but there's no schoolwork I have to pretend to do. It's odd. Takes some getting used to. Anyway that will all change in a few weeks when I start the bar, so I guess I should enjoy it while I can.