148

Thanks for all the kind thoughts about the kitty. I am adjusting well. But every now and then I see her out of the corner of my eye before I realise it's just a blanket or a piece of furniture, or nothing at all! But maybe it is her, just a little bit.

We had our second midwife meeting yesterday. D came again, which was surprising since I didn't think he would want to come to them regularly, but when he found out I was going, he was quite keen to be there. I don't think he'll come to them all, but it's nice for him to at least meet each of the midwives in the practice. The woman yesterday was older and very nice. She had a really calm presence. I liked the first one a lot since she was young and hip, and I knew I'd feel comfortable around her, but it was great to know that I think I will feel comfortable around this woman too - just for different reasons. She's been a midwife for 30 years and exudes experience.

The last visit was really just an intro where they did a health history, but this time we started doing the urine and weight checks that will keep happening. They ask you to test your own urine - so you take a little strip and then use that to check for glucose, protein etc. It's really easy since you just hold the strip up to a colour chart to make sure everything is the right colour, but it did strike me as kind of hilarious to be in there, assessing my pee. But I guess it makes sense, since unlike a doctor's office there's no nurse on staff.

In the waiting room, D and I found a retro '80s book with all sorts of tips on dressing stylishly during pregnancy. All of the suggested "looks" involved very large, baggy articles of clothing, many with shoulder pads. And preferably a vest.

After all of that, it was Doppler time - that anxiety inducing moment when they see if they can hear the heartbeat. They tell you they can't always hear it, but that they will refer you for an ultrasound if there isn't one. Which is code for, "if we don't hear it, there's a possibility something bad has happened."

The student midwife put the Doppler on - first we heard my blood flow, a slow lub-dub. She moved away from that, and then just for a moment we got the rapid pace of the baby's heart. It ducked away and they found it again, and we listened for a good minute. Such a wonderful sound - and nice and fast as it should be at 148 beats.

Bye Kitty

This is turning into depresso-blog, when it really shouldn't be, as so many of my days are happy. But today is a genuinely sad day, as we decided to put our cat down. People use the expression "putting to sleep" but I can't really say it was like that.

The cat, as you may recall, was diagnosed with pretty advanced GI-tract lymphoma a few weeks ago. The vet wasn't sure how long she had. She did last a while on her prednisone, and even seemed to get temporarily better. But in the past two weeks she stopped eating again, and got even more lethargic and thin. We had to forcefeed her with a syringe to get her to eat anything, yet she asked for her food every night and a.m. It was quite heartbreaking.

I thought about doing it last weekend and then postponed, and then when she seemed worse off this week I decided to do it today, when D could come with me. I called yesterday to make the appointment. She was actually relatively perky yesterday, which made me question things, and even worked up some enthusiasm to eat some cooked chicken on her own. We had a cuddle and she purred, but she spent the night lying on the bathroom floor, a place she usually avoids. In fact, she never lay on the floor before getting sick.

*WARNING - the paragraph below may be slightly disturbing for some. But I just feel I need to get it out of my head, and this might help.

We took her in - she did not like being put in her cage, and yowled. The vet said she had lost another kilo, or about a third of her already tiny body weight, bringing her to 2.4 kg, or just over 5 lb. The vet gave her a sedative, which made her drool, and lick her lips, but seemed to paralyse her. Her eyes were huge and looking at me. He had trouble finding a vein in her tiny paws, but when he did it was all over in seconds. Her tongue lolled out and she was completely, utterly still. D and I were just amazed at how dead she looked. Her eyes glossed over and she twitched a bit. The vet and his assistant left so we could weep over her. Well, so D could weep and I could sob. I don't think I've ever seen D cry before. She just looked so still, her paws curled unnaturally.

I don't think it was the wrong time - I think she probably could have lasted longer, but also, that she was in a lot of pain. She moved so slowly. I also don't think that cats are like us, that they long for just one more day, despite all the pain they're in. But the whole experience, despite a very kind vet, was a little more traumatic than I expected. We had assumed she would just look like she was sleeping, which was what my mum said happened to my dog. But she didn't.

Afterwards, I opened up the carrier and said, come on girl, get in. I think for one horrified moment D thought I might actually try to bring home her limp body, but I said, "No, it's just, her spirit might want to come home with us."

We'll pick up her ashes in a few days. At first it seemed a hokey thing to do, but then I realised, I think I need that closure. We'll probably scatter them somewhere eventually, but for now, I want to feel like she's home with us again.

Boo

Damn - I have the flu. I thought my flu shot had protected me, but it's here in classic form, nausea, vomiting, low-grade fever, sore throat, dry cough, aches and pains.

I hate being sick and pregnant - just one more thing to worry about.

I wish I could think of something intelligent but my mind is mush.

Pangs

I just called and turned down the clerkship. I told them I was pregnant. I am having some serious pangs. Part of it is just, what if I've turned down this amazing opportunity and something goes wrong between now and then? But all things happen for a reason, right? I am not meant to take it. Must remind myself that.

I have been having serious heart palpitations lately. Apparently it's a preggo thing, but my midwife seemed a bit concerned when I told her my pulse literally stopped for a second or two. "It's probably normal, but you might want to see your G.P., since it is your heart." My G.P. was very understanding and nice and told me that progesterone is an arrhythmic agent. good thing I'd done some Googling beforehand because I actually understood what that meant. I had some bloodwork to check thyroid and hemoglobin just in case; oh and I got an echocardiogram, "just as a baseline." But she assured me I was not about to drop dead of a heart attack, which is always nice to know. Since I got no call, I guess I'm all good.

Competition

I have been in Toronto - actually I AM in Toronto, with just a few short hours until I can take a shuttle to the airport and be home again. I don't mind flying once you get through security - it can be a pleasant feeling to turn over control to someone else. The time passes quickly so long as you've got a decent book, or those individual TV sets which are more and more common even in coach.

The hotel we are staying in Toronto has the most atrocious air quality. I've had a headache since I arrived five days ago, though maybe it's the pressure change and not just the air. But I left the window open for a good hour the other night and the temperature in our small hotel room only changed a degree or so, so I think there's just no circulation.

We got to the finals in our moot competition. A moot consists of arguing a fake case before a panel of judges who ask you probing questions and try to make you uncomfortable. I was the worst speaker on my team (of four), at least the points we got indicated that. It kind of surprised me since I don't really have any aversion to public speaking. The judges told me I don't have a very good poker face, which is true. I definitely had an uphill battle as we were arguing the less sympathetic side. To my credit though, I was arguing from a paper written by someone else since the original mooter resigned and I was a not-quite-11th-hour (9th hour?) replacement.

In the finals, my partner and I had to go, though we were the weaker half. Although I was terrified of letting down our team, that opportunity was good closure, because we did the best we have so far, at least I thought so. We still haven't seen the points for that round. We still lost the finals, but we came in fourth overall, which is quite respectable. Means we have something to hang on the wall back at school.

Anyway, that's why I've been MIA.