The Break

Ah spring break. For some reason, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to paint our entire place in preparation for selling it. Since our place is essentially one room, (and our bathroom is still in disarray from recent renos) our place is a gigantic mess. So it isn't turning out to be a terribly relaxing break. And of course there's the little matter of school work - I am supposed to be doing some.

We have our first prenatal appointment later today, which is very exciting. I am hoping we can hear heartbeat on the doppler, but I guess they may not try it if I am still too early.

The cat is doing a little better. She purrs and jumps on the bed and moves around and doesn't appear to be in any pain. She is usually relatively recalcitrant and moody when anything is off in her little universe, so I think it will show when she is ready to go. She is taking steroids and this could shrink her tumour temporarily and give her a little more time. I am worried that her time will come when I am away next wee, but I hope she lasts until I get home again. D will have to pill her, which I know will be a challenge.

My moods are all over the place - happy, then tearful. But more happy than tearful.

The Good and the Bad

I had a wonderful Valentine's Day. We made dinner together (well, mostly I lay on the sofa feeling nauseous, but I did make the sauce). Then we watched a silly but amusing movie. And we lay in bed talking, which is always nice.

I am over the worst of my worries, I think. I realise that I can worry about miscarriage, and then in the second trimester I will worry about umbilical cord accidents, and then I will worry about labour, and then I will worry about Sudden Infant Death and then I will worry about leaving my kid with strangers at daycare and basically I will be worrying for the next 50 years. I remind myself that it's only productive to worry about things I can control. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it with some successs.

We had very sad, and shocking news this morning. I took my cat in yesterday as she hadn't eaten in a few days. Both my cats have a variety of weird health issues, but none of them ever turn out to be that serious, though they are often expensive. However, the vet did seem a bit grave and kept her overnight. I got the call this afternoon and there wasn't much detail, but when I called back he broke the news - cancer. She's a young cat, only six and half, so I was shocked. She has a tumour the size of golfball in her GI tract.

There are options of chemo and surgery but those would likely be very expensive and only give her a few more months since it is a lymphatic cancer. So we will do some steroids and she may last a few weeks, or maybe only days. I feel terrible that I didn't notice earlier - it's so obvious to me now when I feel her fragile spine - it's spiking up through her skin. She has lost 20% of her body weight since last April, but she is a fluffy cat and I admit, I didn't notice it. I don't know how I missed it, but I did.

My biggest worry is that I am going away in 10 days and will be gone for 5 days. I'm terrified something will happen while I'm gone. I hope that it happens after - or before, as terrible as that sounds.

She's a weird little cat, very shy and anxious, but she loves to cuddle at night and purrs like a champ. She's curled up now in her favourite spot in the bookshelf.

Worries

I have felt awful for the last few days. I think my stomach moved to another planet. And even though I swore I wouldn't be one of those women who uses pregnancy as an excuse to turn into a "raging bitch" (those were my very smug words on Thursday), in the past 24 hours there have been tears for no reason, demands that D get me food I'm craving, and a general on-the-edge feeling.

I belong to this forum where pregnant women talk, and it seems like every day we lose one to miscarriage. That worries me, especially as they are often farther along than me. One of them said, post-miscarriage, that the embryo's heart rate had been too low at her first ultrasound; it was 117 at six and a half weeks and her doctor said that it was a cause for concern. Well ours was only in the low 120s! And we were seven weeks - is that too low for seven weeks?

Also, I read that the gestational sac should be a perfect sphere, but on the ultrasound print-off mine is this weird pancake shape with a dip in it. I hope it's just because she was pushing me in order to get a nice pic without the yolk sac in it (yes, there's a yolk in there... isn't that bizarre?)

Saturday, D asked me if I had any feelings that things might go wrong. I said it was a terrible question, and he said it was just because so far everything had seemed "tickety-boo" (yes he used that word) and he wanted to make sure that's what I thought too. I said, no, no major worries - everything is wonderful! Everything will be fine! And then I started worrying. That night I dreamt I was bleeding.

Lazy Saturday

It's been a gorgeously sunny day, no hats or mitts needed. We walked down to the beach and watched the dogs play in the surf.

The apartment is a disaster, as usual. It feels like a constant battle - one I'm losing. We had the bathroom ripped out last week. The previous owners did their own tiling and though it was pretty nice looking, they did a crap job and the tiles started popping off leaving patches of puffy whipped cream-like drywall. Because they tiled floor to ceiling we had to replace the walls of the whole bathroom, since we couldn't match it. It's mostly back together but we still have to paint and sand and seal. Our bathroom stuff is crammed across the hall.

The kitchen cupboard is open and I see a thousand boxes of tea tumbling all over each other. What I wouldn't give for just a little more space. We need to paint, but that will be another long painful process as we have nowhere to put things while a specific area gets painted.

Also D is sick. Being the loving wife I am I went out and bought Vitamin C and Cold-FX and and lozenges, but the bedroom floor is littered with small white balls of kleenex. I am praying I don't get it as I already feel tired and sick enough! And there'll be no Tylenol Cold or Cold FX for me.

Bow Ties and Baby Clothes

The last week has been hellishly busy. I celebrated over the weekend by doing a fat lot of nothing. I'm not sure why it has to be a fat lot, and not just a lot, but it does.

I discovered a delicious dim sum place - somehow those sweet, savoury, slippery little treats hit the spot in a way that's just right these days. It's cart upon cart of mysterious and complex little dishes - all of them tasting ten times better than they look - mmmm. I may have to go again this weekend. And of course for future reference, dim sum restaurants are a perfect place to bring babies as there are dozens of them around and every bow-tied waiter stops to fawn.

Then I bought my first maternity pants, though truthfully I am not showing at all. But they were $27 and I love an excuse to shop. The only thing that has really changed is that I am more bloated than usual after eating and I can't suck my stomach in line with my ribs the way I used to be able to.

I did finally tell my mother, who was suitably pleased. She's very excited to go to Holt Renfrew and buy designer outfits... I remember walking in there with her once and exclaiming "WHO would spent $50 on baby clothes?"
"I would..." she replied in a small voice. My mother, who has spent 40 years in a very selfless, service-oriented career, loves Holt Renfrew. So who I am to judge?