Ultrasound

So we had our ultrasound yesterday...

It's a strange process because at first, the screen is positioned so you can't see it; the tech makes all kinds of squinting faces and the machine beeps and sighs. Also, I way overdid it on water drinking so I was actually in physical pain by the time I got in there. I even peed twice right before going in, and the tech (thankfully!) told me I was still too full. Those guidelines about drinking four big glasses of water are clearly not designed for my minute bladder. Then, they still had do an internal anyway, so all my pain was in vain.

So when they actually turned the screen towards me, my reaction was a bit understated. Basically, I was just like "Cool!" D had a lot more questions than I did, like "How big is it?" "Does it have a brain yet?"

The best part was getting to hear a little heartbeat - thump-thump-thump-thump. So that was pretty neat. We even got a little picture to take home, which I will eventually scan, even though it basically just shows a little white blob.

Drama, drama, drama

In an effort not to make this blog solely about being pregnant, I will update you all on school. I've been doing this group project, which I think I alluded to recently. I have sort of a peripheral role, except that I get the same amount of credits for it as everyone else. Sounds great, right? Except that there was a bit of a falling out with a member of the team... he didn't keep up with the work, we had to pick up the slack, the team got a little (okay, a lot) frustrated with him, the frustration showed and he got frustrated back; he then sent out a really nasty e-mail to all of us, including the prof. So we decided to have a meeting to decide if we could continue to work together - super fun! Drama, drama, drama.

I personally never wanted to have the meeting, because I knew not much would come of it and would seem like four against one. But one girl was insistent, so we did it. For three minutes, no one said a thing, so finally I got the ball rolling and called him out on the fact that we all had to pick up his slack and that his e-mail was completely inappropriate (In it he told us all to "get a life" and said some other pretty silly personal stuff). I tried to be polite, but I was frank. He responded defensively, as one might expect. I was a little annoyed that I had to do most of the talking, since as per sentence one, I didn't really want this meeting to begin with.

Anyway I was kind of hoping things would smooth over and he'd "shape up" rather than "ship out," but he's chosen the latter option. We had another meeting last night - the one where I was going to say that for ambiguous "personal reasons" (read: fatigue, nausea, unwillingness to put myself into stressful situations), I didn't want to take on his role. But then were told that he's resigned and now I don't have much choice. The only other alternative is to have someone else who was already doing a lot (read: much more than me) to do both his stuff and her own. But it makes a lot more sense for me to do it. Blah.

It was too bad the meeting went down like that, because it resulted in my 'fessing up to my "condition" in a rather dramatic way, as I tried to explain why I hadn't wanted this to happen because I'm not feeling all that well today. I was verging on tears, which I'm sure muted the otherwise happy mood that such news usually brings. My announcement had more of a "shock and awe" component. Then I explained how unexpected it had all been, how crappy I am feeling et cetera. "But it is happy news!" I added.

After the meeting, one of the girls was congratulating me and asked me: "So, it was really out of the blue?" Which is kind of a funny question - I mean, what answer does she want? It was as out of the blue as pregnancy is when you're having unprotected sex with your husband. The response that popped out was: "Well, I have to admit I wasn't being super careful." Why did I say that? I have no idea. She really didn't need that information. Why did she ask? I'm sure she wonders herself. In any case, there were no follow-up questions.

And because even when my posts don't start off about pregnancy they end up that way, I will add that morning sickness has hit like a big metaphorical and literal punch in the gut; it's a lot like a hang-over - overwhelming nausea, headache (I get headaches for everything) and cravings for home fries with loads of sour cream. And like a really bad hangover, it lasts all day.

I'm skimming this really terrible book for expectant dads that a friend lent me when she sniffed out my news. Yes, another couple guessed, in record time. I hadn't been over there more than ten minutes and had barely cooed over their little one. Anyway, this book for dads has little sections in it labelled "In the Doghouse" with helpful hints like "Don't tell your partners she looks 'fat,' or that her feet have gotten 'huge'." So many pregnancy books are like wedding books, they treat you (and especially 'Dad') as if he has an IQ of 80.

Expecting

Well, I didn't go to the Internet meet on Sunday, which I do regret, because Lorie was right and it could have been a hilarious entry. But there will be more, I'm sure, and perhaps I will feel a bit more legit attending the pregnancy get-togethers once I have my very own baby bump.

Instead, D and I hung out with some of our IRL friends, who, being very observant, guessed that I am pregnant! I thought I was so subtle. I did ask a lot of questions about the baby, like: "So what do you do all day?" She was soothing him at the time and said "Sometimes I just do this, you know it will be noon and he'll be fussy and I'll be soothing him and all of sudden it's two." I have to admit, that description wasn't all that satisfying to me... I mean, it looked a little dull. I love the idea of being at home and taking care of baby as I've always been a real homebody, but soothing a crying baby for two hours might cause me to poke a stake in my eye.

We also went househunting... very premature, but we found this three-bedroom condo we kind of love. It's in a newish development being built not far from where we live now. It is in the city proper but they are building a whole neighbourhood from scratch, complete with parks and water features. It could be very scary and Stepford-wife-ish, or it could be very cute and fun.

I am still worried about miscarriage and can't help but peruse the stats daily, but so far all seems well - no spotting, no loss of symptoms. (D has taken to calling me "Double-D" although it's really more like "Barely-B.") We will be having a dating ultrasound a week Tuesday, so that should give some reassurance. But there are so many women on the forums who have good ultrasounds and then have terrible sad stories. I have to stop reading those threads.

My friend offered me "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but I decided to leave it at her place after reading about the potentially life-threatening effects of oral sex and not eating enough broccoli. Every passage seemed to read along the lines of "Well, it probably won't do any harm but best to avoid it in case you KILL YOUR BABY!" My friend and I both decided it was best for me not to take it home. Besides, that book probably contains some proviso about how stressful worrying can be a on a foetus.

Prenatal

Well, I went for my first pre-natal exam yesterday. I love my G.P. - she is really sweet. So the exam involved reconfirming the pregnancy with another urine sample, then having a sort of all over physical.

She asked if I was planning to breastfeed and said she highly recommended it. "It's not always easy," she said, "for you or for them."

Speaking of, my breasts, (why does it feel like a bad romance novel to talk about your "breasts") they have gotten much bigger. Now size is relative, I realise, but from a decidedly-A to a pretty-much-qualifies-as-B feels very exciting to me! I have to stop and admire them every now and then. When I start to worry, I just reach and press one - "yup, still hurts." Anyone know when it stops hurting?

She asked when my last period was, which I can't remember - after all, that is how we got into this mess isn't it? I think conception must have been around the 24th of 25th because after that we realised we were in danger zone. But I'm not sure... so she vaguely suggested a dating ultrasound which I jumped on; I have to admit, part of me just wants to see that there's really something there, maybe some kind of flicker. That would be reassuring.

After that there was the pelvic, but no PAP since I am a good girl and went in November. She examined me and said, (here's a delightful mental image for you) "it feels pretty beefy in there. Maybe you are further along than we think, or maybe there are twins. It could also be the tilt of your ut..." My interest faded off here as I swallowed the word "twins." When I told D this story he wasn't aghast at twins, he was like "she was feeling around in there? How does she do that?"

I actually love the idea of twins; like a lot of people I've always been fascinated by them. But I've also heard a lot of sad stories. My grandmother gave birth to stillborn twins, as did my in-laws. Plus, it would become virtually impossible for me to work enough hours to qualify for EI since they're almost always premature and even if they're not, you're pretty much laid up for the last few weeks. (And phew, my sister-in-law was wrong, you don't need to work six months to get it, just 600 hours, which I could do) Maybe I'm wrong about prematurity and laid-up-ness, but that is my impression. My G.P. said not to worry about it and chances are slim, but sometimes one little word from a medical professional can leave you pondering all night. So anyway... ultrasound, I'm keen.

Oh, then at the end she mentioned there was some protein and a little blood in my urine, which she said is not a worry, but could signal infection, but probably not. She mentioned the word "beefy" again at that point too. I'm going to take her word on the not worrying part. For some weird reason I often have blood in my urine when I test - had it with my gallbladder issue too. If anyone knows what that's all about, fill me in.

P.S. Also forgot to mention that I am now further along than I got the first time, which is likely insignificant in terms of risk, but feels milestone-y for some reason.

Taking Chances

Ever since I started planning the wedding, I've been visiting this wedding board - honestly, part of it is just because of all the posts where people are freaking out and giving each other really bad advice. I tend to be the person who gives the really blunt advice and often get "flamed" which is all part of the amusements.

There's a pregnancy section too, which I was addicted to last year and have recently wandered into again. They're having a "meet-up" this week and I'm actually thinking of going even though this is so unlike me. But I don't have that many friends and it might be fun to meet some other preggo women - what do you think, should I jump it and make some 'Net friends?

Not too tired

I am adjusting to the new reality - mostly boosted by the fact that I get to surf real estate listings and look at cute wooden baby furniture. But I am newly stressed because someone told me you have to work 6 months full-time to qualify for EI - surely not! I thought I read on the web that 600 hours in the past year was enough and by my calculations that's only 4 months, which is do-able. Six months ain't gonna happen.

I am still not having a lot of symptoms - a tinge of nausea now and then, but no real fatigue, strong scents et cetera. Which is lucky because this has been the weekend from hell as I am working on a team project. Due to one of our team members, we have been pulling some very late nights. We rewrote his whole part tonight. I have to be back there at 9, which I am unimpressed about. I'd love an excuse to sleep in. But I am being so good and not telling anyone at all, having learned my lesson on that front.

I also found out that on Monday, it will have a heartbeat, which is kind of interesting.

Anyway I must be off to bed.

Probably far too much information

That - is a very blurry picture of a plus sign. Funny - I have actually never seen a positive pregnancy test before because last time, when I miscarried, I never got a really definitive positive. There was a faint, faint line which led to me to the doctor who confirmed it via bloodwork.

So this is probably way too much detail, but I include it as a cautionary tale - I have been using the FAM method of birth control, or actually not using it. FAM is a method where you chart your temperatures, cervical fluid etc. and figure out when you ovulate. The first few days of your cycle and once you've ovulated you don't need protection. But then I got kind of lazy and stopped "temping", which the book says never to do, and stopped examining my fluid, which the book also says never to do. My cycle was super-regular - I without fail ovulated on Day 17, so I bent the rules and stretched out the time we could go without protection beforehand. We we were still pretty careful and used condoms from Day 10 or so onwards. Except when we were in Jamaica I guess I miscalculated what day we were on. Suddenly I realised we were no longer in the "safe zone" and thought not much more of it because it still would have been relatively unlikely because we were nowhere near Day 17. But I guess the body does weird things because here we are! I know it sounds like this was a terribly risky method of birth control anyway. But if I had actually followed it, this would not have happened. The book says never to assume when you will ovulate, but I broke that rule. So I stand by FAM, with the caution that it's easy to get complacent about compliance. After all, the birth control pill is not good either if you don't take it.

So yes, this was a surprise. We had been trying last year because the timing worked well - I'm essentially part-time at school and I thought it would be great to have a baby before getting out in the law world - I'd have taken this summer off. But as time marched on, the window of opportunity passed. I am (was) starting a clerkship in September, then doing my articles, so we figured we'd aim for after my articles. That would have put our "ideal" due date, oh, about a two years and a half years from now.

We were away for the weekend at D's work retreat; I was lying in bed feeling nauseous and thinking about why. Then I remembered that almost a week earlier I had leaned over the sofa and my chest had been really sore. I'll add here that I'm an A-cup, so that area of my body is not accustomed to soreness, except for maybe the day before my period. D woke up and asked what was up. I said "I'm worried we might have miscalculated in Jamaica." He was like "what will be will be!" D has actually been jonesing a little for a baby lately and while there's been no pressure, he has said that two and a half years seems an awfully long time away. A few months ago he said "My single biggest fear is that I'll wait too long before I have children and I'll be too old." It was an out-of-the-blue remark and he sort of laughed it off afterwards. But maybe someone was listening.

So on Tuesday, as saw, I took one of the old cheapie tests I had kicking around. No line came up at first. I wasn't as disappointed as I expected. I shrugged my shoulders at D and started making breakfast. But a minute or two later I looked over and there was a line. I took another test yesterday and got that plus you see here. And today, my doctor confirmed it and gave me a pregnancy magazine and a little book with a no-neck baby grinning on the cover.

I'm feeling a little torn. If this has happened six months ago or six months from now, I'm sure I'd have been thrilled. But is it horribly ungrateful to think that this is the worst possible timing? I will likely have to give up my clerkship - that's my single greatest regret about this. I won't be eligible for EI because I won't have worked enough in the previous year - even if it had been a few months earlier/later I would have been. We'll have to sell our place because it's only 700 square feet with one very small bedroom and I just don't see us making it work here. I realise people raise kids in one-bedrooms and we could too, but if I co-sleep I'd rather it be by choice than out of necessity. And this is the little stuff - but I probably won't be able to do the triathlon; and I just spent $200 on a bridesmaid dress I will now be far too enormous to wear!

So that's me freaking out. But there is someone on the opposite shoulder reminding me that life is what happens when you're busy making plans. And I know this will be the most awesome adventure ever. And I do believe in fate and that if this all works out it was meant to be. And while giving up the clerkship is a blow, I also know that many other people give up a lot more - teenage mothers who forgo graduating, and low income folks who have a lot less than we do. Or who knows, maybe I can still work something out with them and my other job. At least I can try and get some extra work this summer to be eligible for EI. I am lucky to live in a country where taking a year off is permitted, even expected, and I'm lucky that even if I don't get EI, we could afford for me to do it. And D's excited too - greeting me with "How's the best ever future mother?" And it is kind of cool that our baby was conceived on Christmas in the Caribbean. Beats my conception story - my parents' weird friend's guest bedroom while their house was being reno'd. And last but definitely not least - I get out of cleaning the cat litter for a whole nine months!

Part of me wonders too if this muted reaction is a bit of self-protection given what happened last time. The other weird thing is that I haven't had any symptoms really. Last time I was really sick and I haven't felt any real symptoms yet other than the soreness and a tiny tinge of nausea. Maybe once I have a good bout of vomiting this will all feel more real. And yes, I realise the irony of reasoning that puking might make me appreciate all this a little more.

P.S. KRISTEN! Are you still out there? Where are you blogging these days? Please send me a note if you can't write it down at grass@ this site dot com.

Umm...

That's a line right?

Is it wrong that my first response was "Oh my god - what have I done?"

The end of the holidays

Today is the first day of classes. Not for me though, my slacker schedule has me free on Mondays, which is kind of nice. It delays reality a little longer. We had a wonderful, if exhausting, seven days in the Caribbean over Christmas. My immediate family was also there. We saw lots of critters, including two gorgeous dolphins playing in the waves, and a very large crocodile. We stayed at a really nice little hotel; it was sort of a rustic deluxe thing - no air conditioning, no fancy pool, no enormous white sand beach, but just a bunch of brightly coloured cottages with decks that looked right over the ocean.

I had the usual spats with my brothers and mother; something about them does bring out a very anal side of me. My mother called it "holier-than-thou." But D, who never hesitates to call me on it when I'm being a tad unreasonable, did side with me at most times (although never speaks up then!); he's sort of a sanity barometre. My family loves to complain about everything - the food, the service, the rooms. And while I'm not averse to a little gripe session myself, as this blog, even this paragraph, no doubt affirms, I like to turn off my critical side when I'm IN PARADISE! All they want to do is sit around the cottage and listen to music, or read alone at the bar. And oh lord, they drink - they really pack it away. Oops, there's my holier-than-thou side coming through. I will stop.

Last weekend D's job had a retreat; spouses were generously permitted to tag along and enjoy the very nice accommodation and tasty meals. D works with a lot of young folks and I think that must be a lot of fun. It's quite a different atmosphere from the staid law firm world where the median age is over 40. I don't think anyone at D's firm, partners included, has even hit 40 yet.

Yes, the party scene was a little different at the retreat than what I've seen so far in my profession. The partners showed up at a basement dance club and were grooving with the best of them. Can't say I've seen that (nor would I necessarily want to) where I work. But then a lot of people who enter the legal profession have similar personality traits; we all have a dose of Type-A-ness. It's a well-paying job and many of us, if we are honest, have entered the professional at least partly because of that, yet we're not the type of people who have the sort of creativity and tolerance for risk that you find in entrepreneurs. All of this doesn't necessarily add up to a crew who likes to hit the trendy spots or the up-and-coming after-hours. Now that I think about it, law parties are a lot like civil servant parties. Hmm - something to ponder on in the future - whether or not choosing a job based on the party scene is a good or bad life strategy. I can see some good arguments for doing so, but it's certainly not the path I've taken!

I've been battling a cold - it hasn't hit yet, but I've got the sneezes and a general grogginess, tummy ache, headache. I got my flu shot, so I hope it preserves me from anything truly awful. Part of me wonders if perhaps we made a little Jamaica Mistaica when we were on holiday and if that's what's making me feel so strange. It would be absolutely terrible timing work-wise, money-wise etc. But I'm sure a little part of me will be sad if my suspicion is wrong. Plus, it gives me an excuse to surf the net for two- and three-bedroom homes for sale, which is always fun.