on friendships

weird - i had a post a few days ago, but blogger must have eaten it. i kind of hate blogger for its lack of customisability. it's just too overly simple and kind of uninspiring. but the thought of doing up a new mt template kind of makes me tired - so i will stick with it.

i'm trying to learn to put things into perspective. i skipped school today, in large part because i didn't want to deal with particular people in an organisation i'm involved in. they e-mail me 10 times a day! and even for a webgeek like me that's kind of overkill. so i'm avoiding. it's so ridiculously unimportant in the grand scheme of things that i should just deal with it. but i tend to get hung up on things, and this is the current hang-up.

we had a party yesterday. it's always a bit of a shocker to realise that yes, we do actually have enough friends to throw a decent shindig. i made these awesome halloween ice cubes that looked like eyeballs - made of olives and radishes. they were a huge hit.

beforehand i had that total panic that it would be like my 15th birthday and no one would come. unfortunately d and i are fairly alike in this respect and always tend to underestimate our own likeability - which is odd because we each see the other as utterly likeable.

despite the successful party, i'm having trouble focussing on the positive. there's a group of girls i am friends with. i invited six or so, but only two came. of course i was thrilled with the two that did come, as they are wonderful women. but i was a little distressed at the others not coming. one of them never even e-mailed me back though we used to be quite good friends.

law school can get you trapped in this weird high school mentality. the reality is - i don't really care about the people who didn't come. there were lots of people there who were more interesting and fun. but i'm stuck in this weird mentality where i feel outcast because they obviously don't value me enough as a person to cultivate their friendships with me. and they should! because i am interesting! and fun! why don't they realise that! why do i still feel like i'm 15 in a mark's work warehouse shirt and doc martens lamenting about being misunderstood?

i will try to do the adult thing and not spend another iota of energy on them - either trying to be friends or worrying about it. but i must make sure to transfer that unspent energy into other friend endeavours, or i will find myself sorely lacking.

justification

so i'm not always one to jump in and try new sports. i'm kind of tentative. i learned to ski when i was 9, so i have that skill and am a pretty good skiier, but i've never bothered expanding my field to snowboarding or anything new that might be, well, hard. it took me a while to get seriously into running, (not that i'm really "serious" now) and almost 9 months to run my first official 5k. if i'd pushed myself i could have done it in a few months, but i don't always like to push myself. i'm a bit of a dabbler.

but i do love to spend me some money. so i did something kind of uncharacteristic, and yet somehow totally me. i bought myself a really expensive bike.

there's that expression 'it's just like riding a bike.' i think it's a bad analogy. getting back on a bike after 10 years is not 'just like riding a bike.' maybe if i had a cute granny bike, but i've gotten myself a speed bike with 18 speeds and handlebars shaped like a ram's horns. i falter at stop signs, and have to think very hard before changing gears. i didn't realise there was a difference between the front and back brakes. also the bike seems very high to me - i'm on my tiptoes. i lean over the handlebars in regular racing stance, but move at a pace that's rather similar to an old lady's (an old lady with a walker and three bags of groceries).

but all in all it's good fun and i've been loving riding around the university, on the calm untrafficked streets among the glass buildings and the libraries.

a kitten incident

because i have some severe maternal instincts, but because now is not the time to have children - i have decided to foster kittens. this is in addition to my two cats which i already have, but the kittens are mostly confined to the bathroom, so it's not (quite) as freaky cat-lady as it sounds.

i must have caught d in a moment of weakness when he agreed to it, and i think it's only because he originally he thought fostering kittens involved sending $10 a month to sally struthers. but even once he found out there was no middle man, i somehow convinced him to let me try it.

the kitten exchange took place a few nights ago, on a dark street corner by the beach. a man with a wedding ring gave me three kittens and some food. he also told me their names, which i promptly forgot. they are even smaller than i expected and their meows sound something little a rubber duck. my own cats are none too pleased i'm afraid, but since the kittens are confined, i'm trying not to worry too much about it.

so it seemed to sate my instincts for a while, but then last night we had a kitten incident. i was watching a really bad thriller and heard this vague squeaking which i assumed was part of the soundtrack. i went on for a few minutes, at least five, until finally d said that perhaps i should investigate the kittens. sure enough, one of the kittens had found his way into the open toilet. i had been so careful about closing the lid, but apparently it only takes once. he was soaked and shaking, so i washed him off in a warm bath (you can never be too careful with toilet water, even clean toilet water) and then held him under my shirt for a good half-hour.

after that he was mostly dry, but still shivering, so i microwaved a towel and then wrapped him in it. he just sat there in his box, looking forlorn, as his brothers played and twisted their way around the bathroom. i was close to tears, thinking that on my very second night of surrogate-kitten motherhood i might have caused a kitten to go into hypothermic shock. after 15 minutes of staring up at me with tiny almost blue eyes, he perked up and began to bat at this brother. however, it has suggested to me that perhaps it's a good thing motherhood is a ways off yet.

ennui

sometimes i feel like i am not particularly strong at anyone thing, but just do so many things... i'm a bit of a dilettante in certain ways. maybe that's okay - maybe my home and myself and being happy can be the things i am committed to and if meandering makes me happy, i should do it. or maybe that's just another sort of meandering though because i'm afraid of committing.

what is causing all this ennui? the fact that i am involved in a few organisations this year, none of which i am really committed to. i'd really like to quit one, but they carved my name on a plaque. does that mean it's too late to get out of?

i think i am going to do a triathlon. not a full one - just a little mini one - the "sprint" they call it. i need a bicycle though as i don't have one and haven't ridden in a few years. that will be my winter project methinks - i like it.

p.s. if you're around!

i wanted to say congrats to wunderwuman! and a big hug to ebombmom... and to lindzeeleigh good luck on turkey dinner. none of your signmyguestbooks are working so i've been silent... maybe dreambook is a good alternative? it's free! and i miss leaving you notes.

meanderings

i am a horrible blogger - is anyone still reading this thing? it feels sad and silly to erase all my former posts and overwhelming to think of trying to put them all back up again!

oh well - onward! tonight d is going to have a talk with his brother; he is slightly stressed about it because he worries that we are not close enough. we live a few blocks away and see them every few weeks. they don't seem inclined to get together with us - it's always a giant effort to try and organise it, when really it should be so easy. how do you ask it to be easy? i don't know - we'll see how that goes.

i had a massage tonight, which was amazing - almost fell asleep on the table, which i well-deserved since i was up until 2 doing an assignment i had almost forgotten about. oops!

swimming continues - and i adore it although it ruins my hair and i have to shave my legs - a requirement that i thought stopped after i got married - at least in winter anyway. but no - i'm still vain in a school setting so i continue.