funny how things go

well - finally got results, but they were pretty much normal. so no slice and dice, which should be good news, except the pain - it keeps going.

so now i'm taking meds for ibs, which i know isn't the right diagnosis, but i'll take them to prove a point. if it doesn't get better, more searching. it felt so satisfying this time, to have a real problem - but now it's just vagueness again.

in the meantime, i think it's time to search out an n.d. got to find a recommendation.

life continues - delicious bbq with honey and pecan crusted chicken, visits to the gallery, babysitting for the niece - i even got her to sleep all by my lonesome; she squalled for a while but finally faded away, sucking away on my index finger while her parents had their first date night in six months.

strange to think that if i hadn't had the m/c, i'd be ready to go right now... instead i am just awaiting another school year, redecorating my apartment, and playing with the cats. i would be happy if it had worked out, but i try not to live in the past, or the future, and so for now i try to be present and bide my time... and now is not the time.

waiting

whoa - so two weeks after the mri i am still waiting for the stupid results. funny how it's taking longer to get the results than to schedule the damn test. i guess it can't be mission critical if that's the case, but still, it's irritating. last week my doctor's office assured me they had them, so i trundled over their mid-day only to be told they, in fact, did not. irritating. my gi specialist is away, and his cold secretary's voice on the machine orders me not to leave a message.

i skipped lunch because i was taking two hours off for the m.d. appointment - in response i got a skull-crackling headache.... it thump, thump, thumps like a hammer when i walk across the floor.

on the bright side, work is feeling better. i am beginning to enjoy it, which is a nice feeling. still, there will be something comforting about being back in school - i look forward to one more year.

drat - message light flashing. was my doctor - "i've got your results and..." stupid machine cut off! i swear to god, this is like some bad comedy.

breaking-up

how do you break up with someone you're not dating?

you know - the one you make plans with a 6 who doesn't show up until 7. the one who smokes across the table, upwind of you. the one who always wants to share your meal - except you don't want any of theirs! you hear about their new job, their old job, someone they dated, another person they dated. in between, you might get to share a few tidbits about your own life, if you're lucky.

but they're persistent. they'll find you - at home, on your cell, even at work - where you didn't give them the number. there will be a message. what do you do? do you just not call back?

four winks

i lied. i do get positive feedback. i got lots. it was really nice to hear.

i had a catnap under my desk yesterday - george costanza style. i waited until the secretary just outside my door was gone and then dashed under there for a few moments. i was worried she'd see me crawling under there through the frosted glass that comes between us. it was good - foetal position with stiletto heels on. forty winks (well, more like four) and a cup of peppermint tea and i was back on my feet. try it, i dare you.

i went camping last weekend - it was so good; just the fresh air and a little campfire. there's something about sleeping outside that's truly wonderful, even in a tent that smells of hot plastic.

we ate seafood drenched in butter at a u.s. restaurant and marvelled at the obese americans. there are a lot of them - and they were the ones who were actually active and outside. i think our perception is skewed, but this is a very thin city. i remember how when i moved here i marvelled at how many people had weird eating issues - they skipped dairy, they were vegans, they didn't eat anything with refined sugar. i'd stopped noticing that.

same old

went back to the e.r. two nights ago - felt like my sternum was going to explode. the doctor in birkenstocks told me he could manage my pain, and then a blonde nurse shot me full of drugs and sent me on my way.

i'm fine most days though - and haven't been missing work. this week i'm liking it. i'm staying until 7 and working away like a busy little bee, researching projects and drafting memos. i'm in my element.

i don't know if my boss likes me though. i don't get a lot of positive feedback - at least not in person. i don't get a lot of feedback period to be honest. i guess that's the way of jobs - you often only hear when you've done something wrong. but today the new associate, who is very sweet, told me lots of nice things. i liked hearing it. i remember last year, until the effexor, i didn't think my boss liked me either. funny how that little tweak can happen. but i'd like to think it's a little more based in reason now. or maybe i don't like to think that.

d. is at work tonight still. it's 9 now. it's not so bad now, when i'm downtown too, but i think i will find it hard when i'm back in school mode, and want him here at 5:30.