mri news

i don't know whether to be really happy or slightly alarmed that they were able to fit me in for my mri so quickly. apparently i'm going next week! i'm still not sure exactly what they're expecting to see. but getting it over should be good - pain is in check, but am still having waves of nausea and feeling generally low energy.

d is still at work at 8 p.m. i don't like this new turn of events. his job has so much of him. he left at 7:00 this morning and isn't home yet.

nurturing

what a way to piss away a saturday. i had a migraine today and nausea, perhaps brought on by some gelatinous bacon i had this morning. it seemed like a good idea at the time... seemed like a good idea at the time.

i wanted to go to a festival and fireworks tonight, but i didn't. instead i stayed in and watched a movie and nursed my aching head and stomach. i'm always sick these days, which is a serious bummer. but i am trying to make good on my resolution to go to the beach every weekend - hasn't happened yet today, but there's always sunday.

just five more weeks of work before i get to go back to school. i love school. sometimes i think i'm not cut out for the real world. i like to be nurtured, and i'm sure nurturing happens all that much in the world of corporate law. but i don't think i want to be a corporate lawyer, at least not one that actually works for corporations (as opposed to against them) so i've got to figure that part out too. hmm. it's easy to see how people get sucked into this world though. i need to ask the universe to bring me a mentor.

this year should be sweet - just three days of classes a week first semester. i must think of something to take up - some volunteering perhaps?

strange

the apartment is finally dry again. d awoke last night and couldn't sleep again because of the constant gushing down the pipes. the toilet upstairs was running again, and we sat anxiously in our living room waiting to see if it would make it's way down the light fixture again. thankfully, it seemed to remain in the pipes but we are a little worried that our neighbour has yet to fix her leaky tank.

after the disturbance i fell to fitful sleep and dreamt that my friend r's brother died. r's brother has a disease, one of the ones that starts with a c... but he didn't die of that in my dream. it was something else - unexpected and r was devestated.

at work today i got an e-mail that j's brother had died. unexpectedly. she was devastated. eerie.

but my psychic tendencies aren't of much use since they don't tell me who to warn, and may actually have happened after the fact. but i still say it's eerie.

my gallbladder is aching tonight.

shower

last night we heard water running, only the tap wasn't on. at least not in our apartment. julian roused himself slowly, wandering first to the bathroom, then the kitchen. our light fixture was transformed into a showerhead - spewing onto the sofa, the wood floor, the kitchen counter. thankfully, much of it drained into the sink.

as i mopped up with beach towels d ran upstairs to let the neighbours know. he banged at their door, but politely, apologising to them for their mistake. i stayed downstairs, listening at the door and muttering about the insurance. they eventually answered, groggily, as we had been a few minutes earlier. one of them was naked, or so d said. then i heard "oh my god! oh my god!" and it wasn't the way they usually say it when they are naked. it had seeped silently into their carpets while they were sleeping. thank goodness for the noisy plonk water makes on wood - we woke before being inundated.

d came downstairs. "it was their toilet," he said. i dropped the beach towel pretty fast.

not waiting

d says that our wedding was a moment where we were truly living. i remember, standing at the altar, trying to savour each moment - to hold onto the memory before it was made. so much of the time we're just spectators, he said. he thinks that having kids would be like that, living.

but in the meantime, i try to savour the everyday moments; not just the ones where we're dipping our feet in the ocean or being toasted by the ones that we love. but also the little ones. the pleasure of riding the elevator alone, of ripping open a package of tea and smelling the flavour, of having a cat cuddle on your lap.

i'm not always good at it. sometimes the day drags on. i do have a tendency to always live a month or a year ahead of myself - to be wishing the present away. but i've been working on it lately.

mysteries and surprises

there were no stones. and the british doctor couldn't see far enough inside me with that tube to decide whether to start cutting. so the pain is unresolved and i soldier on, waiting for an mri. it could be quite the wait. besides, maybe they'll just remove the organ anyway, so i'm kind of wondering whether it's worth waiting for the test. in the meantime i google my symptoms over and over and diagnose myself with potentially fatal diseases.

i won money today, which is always a nice surprise. i got a prize from school for high academic standing in a course that has a reputation for being difficult. besides just the cheque, i get a little notation etched onto my permanent record. it almost makes up for the terrible, and i might add, unjust, mark i got in one class this year. that mark still leaves me tossing at 3 a.m. as i wake from a nightmare about being rejected from grad school. i've had other marks that were low (though not that low) and i know why they happened; i was unprepared, i froze, i got confused about times. but this was not the case. my bad mark is not a reflection of me, it's a reflection of the prof. if i couldn't ace that exam, it was a bad exam. not that makes any difference; my permanent record doesn't have a spot for annotations that say 'bad exam.'

i'm not sure about being my career choice. i still like the idea of it, and i'm amused during the day; but i need to make sure i am working for people i care about. sometimes i wish i'd become a doctor. i was scared and felt too old to make such a big change in direction. but it wasn't too late - i see that now. it's still not too late, but at the same time, it is.

i'm back

i'm back after a not-so-brief hiatus. i missed you. there was something kind of refreshing about not writing here for a while. i placed my energy elsewhere. it's not that i intended to stop, but then something happened so i did. i think the risk has passed but i will pick my words more carefully now.

i've decided, partly because i want a fresh start and partly because i'm lazy, that i won't put up what was here before, at least not now.

today i am sore, a dull branch of pain on my right side where my gallbladder has swollen for mysterious reasons. on monday a doctor with a gentle british accent will put a camera down my throat and tell me why. i felt it a few weeks ago, a stitch. and then again this week, only worse. when it got hard to breathe i went to the e.r. they dressed me in a backless gown and told me i had photogenic innards - that i was a pleasure to scan. strangely, it's not the first time i've been told that.